Waiting in the Wings
by Euphorie And Grasshopper
Summary: Set in New Moon. Edward broke up with Bella, but he didn't leave. Unable to get away from her, he stayed and is watching her, hoping she'll move on, but loving her nonetheless. Edward and Bella POV - Previous title: Unbearable Separation
1. Painful Memories

Unbearable separation

**Painful Memories**

**Summary: This is a different version of New Moon, where Edward stayed without Bella knowing, and is "stalking" her, always watching her. It starts where chapter 4 starts in the book, at the end of Bella's "lifeless mode". For now it's Bella's POV, but I'll try to do both. **

I woke up that morning screaming. Again. Once more, the emptiness and the fear of loneliness had reached me in my subconscious. My breathing eventually evened, and I looked around. Everything was in its place, the desk, the closet, the nightstand… the rocking chair. I closed my eyes, trying really hard not to remember the memories that last brought.

Charlie was already at the station, probably avoiding the zombie in his house. I couldn't blame him. I had been trying to protect myself in a lifeless shell for months now. Not that it kept the pain away, but it helped a little.

I got out of bed and got ready in a blur. I swallowed some dry cereal without noticing the taste and drove to school.

Getting out of my truck in the parking lot, I sighed. I didn't expect this day to be any different. I knew this routine. I would spend a few hours at school with people who would ignore me or occasionally throw me glances sideways. Then, I would get home, cook dinner for Charlie and he would spend the evening looking at me cautiously. Finally, he would go watch the game in the living room and I would stare at the old clock in the kitchen until it would be a decent hour to go to bed.

Unsurprisingly, the day went as expected. The hard thing to do was trying to avoid one single minute without thinking about something. I had to be distracted, I knew it. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation of thinking about… _him_.

It had been months now, but the cut was as fresh as if it had been yesterday. I had been protected by a bubble of numbness up until now, but the shell was growing thinner and thinner, and my bubble was about to break. I had been trying to remember how I had gotten in it to start with, but I couldn't. All I remembered was pain.

Lying in my bed, I threw a quick glance at the digital clock. The red numbers shone in the dark: 20:03. Dang. I still had at least an hour before I could fall asleep.

I never allowed myself to think about _him_. Even thinking _his_ name was unbearable, let alone the memory of _his_ presence, of _his _kiss… Too far. Before I knew it, the wound ripped open in my chest, its lips bloody.

I held my arms crossed on my chest and suffocated, waiting for the pain to go away. As always, it did, but not completely. I sighed and closed my eyes tightly. I wasn't so eager to go to sleep, because even though I wouldn't have to escape my own mind, the nightmare would come back. I shivered at the thought.


	2. Nightmare

**II. Nightmare**

**A.N: I know the nightmare looks like the one in the book at first, but I added some changes.**

I was wandering in the forest, as always. The sun had almost disappeared behind the tall shapes of the trees. It was twilight.

I kept walking, aimlessly, when I noticed the first shape. It moved fast, dark silhouette behind the tree trunks. It was soon followed by others. They kept moving, running before I could catch more than a glimpse at their endless, deathly dance.

Before I knew it, I was surrounded. Even though I couldn't see them clearly, they had a human shape. They started coming closer, still moving in circles, dancing. I had a headache from watching them move that quickly. They kept approaching, still in the shadows. My knees weakened. I fell on the ground, thin sweat drops on my forehead. I heard a scream echoing through the forest…

I woke up, panting. I could still hear the screaming. I looked around, panicked, before realizing it was mine. I closed my mouth shut, and took a deep breath.

However regular the nightmare was, it was always terrifying.

First, there was the wandering, the loneliness. Then, the fear of the unknown, as the dark shapes appeared. That was always followed by anxiety, and then exhaustion, as I fell.

But mainly, probably the worst, there was the painful memory of the familiar forest. The last place where I saw _him_. And the shapes that kept moving with such grace and speed could only be compared to… No. I couldn't even think it.

I hadn't been to the forest since that fatal day. Since then, I had been living less than a life, a shadow of the person I used to be.

In more ways than one, I had lost myself that day.

I had lost _him_, the core of my existence, the reason I woke up in the morning, the meteor that shot across my sky.

I had stopped living the life I lived then and before. I couldn't read anymore without _his_ name shouting in my head. I couldn't listen to any music without missing the soft lullaby _he_ sang for me… I winced in pain as the wound opened itself again across my chest.

I couldn't watch a movie more than a few seconds without remembering the cold arms that rocked me on the couch… Again, the pain shot through my body.

The pain, as the nightmare, never lost its clarity as the feeling grew familiar. On the contrary, it seemed to be getting stronger and stronger, as if fed with my fear.

I threw a glance around my room, and caught a quick glimpse of a dark shape at my window. But it was so quick I surely imagined it. Probably remains of my earlier nightmare. I shook my head at my absurdness, before heading to the bathroom. It was going to be another long day.

**A.N: I know the chapters are short for now but it's 1:00 a.m. and I'll try to make them longer (if I'm convinced that I should keep doing this…).**


	3. Leaving her

III. Leaving her

**Edward's POV**

I sat in the rocking chair, watching my angel sleep. A frown on her face, she mumbled something. She seemed to suffer.

I wanted to reach her so badly, to cross the almost insignificant distance between us. I wanted to take her in my arms and whisper that everything would be okay. I hated to see her in pain.

But I couldn't. I had to find the line.

The nights were the hardest. I could hear her talk in her sleep, often crying, begging me to come back. Then, she would start screaming, and I would quickly go out the window before she would wake up.

Lately, she has been saying the same thing over and over again: "No… Too close… Too fast…" And, as always, she cried my name here and then.

Whenever she talked, I could feel the sadness, the anxiety and the pain echoing from every word. But when she said my name, it was different. It was calm; the pain could just be heard faintly. My name seemed to bring her peace.

I couldn't help but smile at that thought. It was selfish, and shallow, but I liked the fact that the mention of my name seemed to be less painful for her than any other thing.

Of course, this was just in her sleep.

In the daytime, she avoided any physical contact with anyone. Her beautiful eyes were empty, she only opened her delicate mouth to answer a question and she winced at any word that would, I guess, remind her of… us.

Because we had hurt her. Well, _I_ had hurt her. More than she had ever been damaged before. After I left her in the forest that day, I drove to Alaska, as promised. But a few days went by, and I had already refused the thought of staying away from her. These three days had been the worst of my life.

That day, as soon as I had gotten in my car and driven out of the forest, I was blinded by the pain. Everything around me was only shapes. I pulled over, somewhere outside of Forks, got out of my car, and ran through the forest.

I ran at vampire speed, not caring if anyone saw me. My life was over anyway, why fear the Volturi?

I couldn't see where I ran. My eyes were closed tightly. I didn't want to look at anything else, or anyone else ever again. It would have only been a painful reminder of what I had done, what I had left behind me.

Bella had been, was, and always would be the core of my existence. Anything I would look at would remind me of her. Trees, river, sun, clouds… life. I sighed.

Reluctantly, I opened my eyes. The forest was far behind me, and I was running through the mountains now. My vampire instincts had kept me from hitting a tree or falling in the river.

I slowed down, and came to a stop. I sat on the nearest rock, my head in my hands. The sadness and the pain slowly turned into anger. Anger at myself. Anger at hurting the most important person in my life.

I winced as I thought of the look I had seen in her eyes. It wasn't surprise or horror. It was a look of understanding, of realization. It had startled me, at first. It was as if she had been waiting for this, knowing it would arrive someday. She had believed me so easily, so quickly. I was almost mad at her. How…? How could she have believed any of this? How could she have thought, even for a second, that I didn't love her anymore?

This had been the hardest thing that I had done in my life. Standing there, and telling her the worst lies, knowing she _believed_ them… Maybe I hadn't done enough to prove her my love to start with.

And then, for a second, the wind had brought me her scent stronger than the moment before. For a second, I couldn't remember why I was there, breaking her heart. For a second, my eyes softened. For a second, I just wanted to hold her. For a second, the line I had drawn between us for the past few days disappeared. And I had seen in her beautiful brown eyes that she had noticed that too.

But the worst thing I had seen in her eyes was pain. Unbearable, blinding pain. It hurt even to look at. And I realized that her eyes had been reflecting mine. But she had seen it as indifference. As if I didn't care for her.

I got up and screamed. A long scream of anger, of pain, of anxiety, of frustration, of agony. The screamed turned into a tearless sob, and I put my fist through the nearest rock.

I stayed there for hours, screaming, sobbing and destroying everything in sight.

I eventually stopped and fell to the ground. I needed to get out of here, to regain control. Slowly, I stood up and ran through the forest, remembering all the times I had done the same thing with her on my back, burying her face in my hair.

I got in my car and drove to Alaska.


	4. Unbearable

**IV. Unbearable**

During the few hours the drive took, I tried to concentrate my mind and my eyes on the road, something I did rarely. I tried to block the thoughts around me, not in the mood to hear the random minds of people whose biggest worries were if they had enough cash for the tollgate or how long would the drive to Montreal take. I hated them, for having a normal _life_, or for having a life at all. I had lost mine a few hours ago…

No. I couldn't start thinking about Bella again. I wasn't strong enough.

The sun had set, and the trees were just two black walls on the sides of the road. I caught a glimpse of the stars in the black nothingness. My mind once again wandered to Bella, who was sleeping under the same sky, maybe looking at the same stars. My knuckles tightened on the wheel as I thought about the long nights I had spent rocking her, humming her lullaby. Bella. My Bella.

I truly hoped she would forget me, move on. But imagining her with someone else, someone like _Mike Newton_… I couldn't bear the thought. And yet, I wanted her to be happy. Was it too selfish, wanting to believe she could only be happy with me? No. It wasn't selfish. It was worse. It was egocentric, insensitive, individualist, uncaring for her sake, it was… human. How ironic.

I eventually arrived in Denali and stopped in front of the mansion Esme had renovated for us. Getting out of the car, I shut the door closed and rushed into the house. I could hear footsteps approaching, as well as the worried thoughts of my family.

"Oh god, Edward is back from Forks. I wonder how he's handling it. I can't see him getting better, but no surprises there." Alice thought, worried.

"Dear, was it awful? Of course it was… Did she cry?" Esme asked.

"Edward, if you want to talk, you know we're here for you." Carlisle thought, trying to comfort me. "But it would probably be better if you wouldn't get too close to Jasper, he won't be able to handle it."

Unsurprisingly, Rosalie was in her room, thinking about herself.

"I can't believe you actually did it Edward. She was our family too, you know", Emmett's angry voice echoed in my head.

Jasper was busy trying to manage all the emotions in the house. Between the worrying, the sadness and the anger, he had his head full. But I could hear his voice louder than the others, startled by the intensity of the emotions coming from _me_. He couldn't handle it, as Carlisle had predicted.

Wanting to save him the overwhelming and blinding pain I could feel shooting through my body, I ran to my room.

There, I started screaming again. My family did not help. During the few seconds that it had taken me to run through the mansion, I had heard more than enough. I tried to block their thoughts. I didn't need their worrying or their pity. I knew they were sad too, but I couldn't be with them right now, listening to their thoughts and pretending to be okay, pretending I would get over it someday.

My scream echoed through the mansion, even louder for vampire ears, but I didn't care. I felt like it was the only thing I could do. I didn't know how I was going to live from now on. It hadn't been more than twenty four hours and I hadn't stopped suffering from the unbearable pain.

Unbearable. It was the only word that could start to describe how it felt. The terrible, ripping pain I felt for leaving her. Of course, it was what I deserved. For putting her life in danger in the first place. For risking her existence all those times I had been alone with her.

I stopped screaming for a second, the memory of these wonderful moments ripping through me like a knife. Her house, mine, the baseball field, the Volvo, the cafeteria, the Biology classroom, the forest, the meadow… So many happy moments I had surely erased from her memory as soon as I had spoken those words in the forest.

The separation, the hundreds of miles between us were nothing compared to how distant I knew I had been the last time I had seen her. I still didn't know how I had been able to do it. But I couldn't keep on reminiscing the most painful memory of my existence.

I had to figure out a way, any way, how I could live with myself after this. Of course, she was safe now. Well, safer. Bella would always be a danger magnet. The corners of my mouth twisted at that thought. It was a smile. But a sad, bitter, joyless smile.

Even if she was safer now that I had left, I had brought Victoria on her a few months before. And there was the Quileute pack in LaPush… I rested my head against the wall. The werewolves were near Forks because of us. It was one more threat weighing on Bella that my kind was responsible for. My knuckles tightened as I resisted the urge to put my fist through the wall.

Another twenty four hours later, I was still in the same position, in the same painful state, remembering everything about Bella, everything that made her _my_ Bella.

I remembered her deep, beautiful, brown eyes I often got lost into. I remembered the adorable frown she would put on her face when she was frustrated, the small pout she knew I couldn't resist. I remembered her sweet, freesia and lavender like scent. I remembered her laugh, probably the most beautiful sound I had ever listened to in more than a hundred years of existence. I remembered the anxiety that I could read on her face when she misinterpreted my loving words. I remembered the peaceful smile on her lips when she would fall asleep, rocked in my arms with my lips at her ears, humming her lullaby. I remembered how I felt whenever I touched her, this sweet taste of heaven that made me believe there was paradise somewhere for me.

I had curled up into a ball, creating a bubble around me. I didn't know when, or if I could ever stand up again. This was as good as it could get. Moments, memories of the one I loved more than anything. I felt like I could stay like this forever, her beautiful, heart-shaped, laughing face in my head.

My family had given up on trying to talk to me, to see me. Now and then, my mind would slip and their worried thoughts would cross the shield I had made in my head to block them.

I only wanted to see _her_, to hear _her_, to think about _her_, and nothing else.

But I slowly started realizing something. Even though she hadn't been safe with me, I had saved her from car accidents, vampires, rape – I shuddered at the memory of the… incident in Port Angeles. I had protected her from the werewolves in LaPush. I had spent more than eight months resisting the temptation of her blood.

Maybe there was a way I could be near her, protecting her from the threats and danger her lack of luck brought her. Maybe I could see her, hear her and smell her without her knowing. If she didn't know, it couldn't hurt her. It would be better for me than sitting here, fighting every fraction of second my need to be near her, to breathe the same air as her.

* * *

I spent the following hours arguing with myself. I would be breaking most of the promises I had made her before leaving, but not necessarily all of them. It_ would _be as if I'd never existed. She wouldn't see me or hear me.

My decision was made.

**Okay so there have been a lot of flashbacks and memories up until now, but it is important to this story, so...**

**And I wanted your opinion on something: I still don't know if Jacob should appear in this story, so review if you have any advice, or suggestion ! **

**Thanks !**


	5. Family Talk

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight.**

**V. Family Talk**

Now that I knew I could go back to her, I didn't want to lose one more second. Every tick of the clock was pushing me further away from her. One little second without her loving face, her beautiful laugh was a second spent in hell.

Grabbing my keys, I flew through the rooms, but Carlisle caught up with me at the main door, Alice at his side. I guessed she had seen it coming.

I growled angrily. "Carlisle, please remove yourself."

"I'm sorry Edward, but we're going to have to talk about this first." he answered.

"No, you don't understand, now please let me go!" I didn't want to argue with him, but he was going to have to let me access the door or I was going to destroy the wall, which wouldn't make Esme happy.

"Edward, please, we have to talk about this." Alice pleaded.

"There. Is. No. Time." I detached every syllable.

"Yes, there is. You have been locked in your room for two days, and suddenly you don't even have time to tell us what's going on?" She was starting to get angry.

Unfortunately, I could see in their thoughts they weren't going to let this go. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and tried to answer calmly.

"I can give you a few seconds but that is _it_."

"It will take as long as it needs to make sense to us and the other four people who are worried about you".

"Okay, what do you want to tell me?" I asked, in a hurry to get to my car. They weren't going to let me go, and it was six against one, seeing as apparently the rest of the family was involved.

"Not here" he paused. "In the living room" he told me as he saw I wasn't moving an inch.

Carlisle called the rest of the family and led us to the living room. I sat at the oval shaped table in the center of the room between Alice and Carlisle, Jasper at Alice's side, Esme at Carlisle's and Emmett sat next to Rosalie on the other side of the table. From their thoughts, I could tell they were mostly worried, and a little confused by my sudden change of mood. My face was hard, I tried to show no sign of sadness or pain to avoid pity, but I didn't fool them.

Carlisle was the first to speak. "Edward, we are only here now because we are worried about you. You haven't gone out of your room for two days straight and Jasper was going crazy with the emotions he could feel coming from you, which isn't hard to understand, of course, considering the recent… tragedy."

Rosalie snorted, but the rest of my family was silent for a minute. They tried to block their thoughts from me, trying to save me the images of the person I knew they were thinking about. Even though it didn't work very well because I knew it, I was grateful. They were trying to make this the less painful possible.

"Dear, we understand, or at least we try to understand what you're going through." Esme's soft voice broke the silence. "But we're a little confused that now that we've moved here, Alice is seeing you running back to Forks."

"Maybe I misinterpreted what I saw Edward, but it seems like a hard thing to do considering I see you getting in your car, then at her house, following her, stalking her." Alice said as I saw in her head the exact vision she was describing. You could hear frustration in her voice.

"If you're going back there Edward, then what was the point in moving?" Emmett asked. I could see in his head he was imagining all of us back in Forks, with Bella. She truly was like a little sister to him.

"Let me explain, because the faster you will all understand, the sooner I will be able to go." I tried to control my voice, but it still sounded angry. "First, I'm not going back to her, I mean I am, but I'm going to be near her, not with her. I realized that Bella is still a danger magnet. And even though I was dangerous for her, I did protect her from other dangerous people or things in the past. I'm a bigger threat when I am with her, but if I stay near her, and protect her without her knowing, she will be safer than she ever was. The biggest danger from us up until now was our bloodlust. But I'll be the only one there, so this threat will be divided by seven. I have been able to resist the temptation of her blood, being with her almost every minute of the day for a few months, so I'm practically immune. The other threat from me was how breakable she is and how I could have easily crushed her skull by touching her face. But I won't be able to touch her, so there will be no problem there. And, the most important, I won't interfere with her life, her human life, because she won't know I'm there."

I stopped and looked at their faces. They weren't expecting that.

"But Edward, are you sure you'll be able to be this close to her and not touch her or hold her? We have all seen how lovingly you look at her, or talk about her", Esme said. She had a point, but I loved Bella enough not to interfere with her life the way I had before.

"I have thought about this Esme, but if that is the price to pay then it seems like a small torture compared to staying here, hundreds of miles away from her." If anyone understood that, it would have to be Esme, I had never seen someone with a stronger capacity to love.

Rosalie spoke for the first time. "You know Edward, we need you too. From the moment you met Bella, I have hardly ever been alone with you. Of course, Alice and Bella were close, so _she_ could see you, and Emmett was awfully fond of Bella too, but me?" Behind the shallowness of her complaint, I could see deep in her thoughts that she really had missed me. But that wasn't going to stop me. Nothing was.

"Rosalie, would it really kill you to stop thinking about yourself for just a second?" I answered. The words came sharper than I meant them but I really couldn't take this anymore.

"Oh, I'm the one thinking about myself? You have been trying to disguise this into a noble act, but this is only about you and your incomprehensible need to be near that human scum!" She growled the last word.

The room was silent. I couldn't believe she had just said that. Jasper was desperately trying to calm us, but I refused to be manipulated and stormed out of the room. I could hear Carlisle talking harshly to Rosalie and Alice coming after me. But I was faster. I got into my car and drove down the path that led to the road. I knew she had given up.

* * *

I wanted to run to Forks, it would be faster, but I knew I would need the Volvo there. I couldn't take the risk of just walking down the street, someone would recognize me. I knew from the thoughts of the inhabitants that my family and I made quite an impression. And I knew Bella would see me at some point. Of course, she may recognize my car, but there was more than one Volvo in the area.

I knew I would have to be extra careful in Forks, making sure no one would see me. Charlie was a cop and he often drove through the city to reduce the traffic. No one needed to know one of the Cullens was back in town.

As I drove, I thought of what Rosalie had said. I couldn't believe she had called Bella that. I knew she disliked her, but she, as always, had put herself before everyone else and had insulted the one I loved.

But I realized I was mostly mad at her because she had said what I feared. During the last few hours I had spent in my room, I had been trying to convince myself that this was about Bella's safety and not about me. Because the only reason I had gotten away from her in the first place, was that her safety was the only thing more important than my need to be with her. I was selfish, and I knew that.

* * *

A few hours went by while I tried to concentrate on the road. Arriving in Forks, I tried to clear my thoughts. More than anger at Rose, at myself, more than pain from this separation, more than disgust at myself for being that selfish, more than anything, I felt euphoric. I was finally going to see Bella again. These three days had seemed like a hundred vampire lifetimes. And I wasn't exaggerating anything.

I pulled in the driveway hat led to my house. I left the Volvo there, got out and flew towards the core of my existence.

**

* * *

**

A.N: So this was chapter 5, hope you enjoyed it! I wanted to get the family's point of view so...

**And thanks to all the people who added me to favorite authors lists, favorite stories lists, story alert, author alert, and a bigger thanks to the people who reviewed!**


	6. Unrecognizable

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight.**

**VI. Unrecognizable**

I ran through Forks. I didn't notice anything around me. The forest, the trees, the road, the paths, everything passed in a blur. I didn't think I ever ran this fast before in my entire vampire existence. Except maybe in Phoenix, when I knew somewhere in the city the blood of Bella was running down James' teeth. But this was different. Because it wasn't the terrible fear for Bella's life that was making me fly, but the immense joy of seeing her again.

It was only a matter of seconds before I was on the path that lead to her house. I was euphoric, ecstatic, at the thought of seeing her after these three excruciating long days. I could finally smell her scent, her sweet, unique, freesia and lavender like scent. The taste of heaven.

I was now in the backyard and I quickly started climbing the wall to access her window. Her scent was getting stronger and stronger. The window was open. I took a deep unnecessary breath and got into her room.

She wasn't there. I looked around, panicked. I searched through the room and sat down on the bed.

"She's not here", I kept repeating to myself. I tried to clear my thoughts.

I was… frustrated. No, that wasn't it. I couldn't name the feeling that was eating me inside. But it was stupid, absurd. She could be anywhere, at school, in her car, in the forest, maybe somewhere else in the house. I guessed I had been expecting this moment so anxiously that the further it was pushed away, the stronger my feelings got to me.

I looked at the digital clock on her nightstand. It was 10:30 in the morning. She could have been eating breakfast. I stood up quickly, got out the window and climbed down the wall. I went in the front yard, approaching the window.

Not the anxiety, not the agony, not the frustration, not the anger, none of the things I had been through during the past three days could have prepared me for what I saw when I looked through the window of her kitchen.

Bella had been the most important person in my life for more than eight months now. I loved her like I hadn't loved anyone before. She was more than anything I could have ever hoped for. I had learned to love her and to cherish every moment I had with her. She was Bella, my Bella. Or at least she had been my Bella.

During the few months I had spent with her, I had started realizing that she loved me too. Not as much as I loved her, obviously, because it was impossible to, but she did love me. She had loved me. And this had been the best feeling I had ever known. Knowing this person wanted you in her life, and loved you, even though you don't deserve it, with that kind of passion was more than magical.

That is why I assumed, selfishly of course, that she would be sad when I left. At least for a few hours, or a few minutes, I assumed she would have missed me.

I hoped that what she had felt for me was mostly the thrill of the first love, and that it would go away quickly. I hoped that, with a clean break, I had left behind me a small, cauterized scar that would heal quickly.

It was horribly egocentric to think, to hope that I had scarred her life in some way. I couldn't explain it to myself. I wanted her to be safe, I wanted her to be happy. But I also wanted her to feel sad, just for a minute, just for enough time for me to know she really had loved me. I was torn between my selfishness and my wish for her to be safe, between the real me and the distant, cold person I had pretended to be in the forest.

But what I saw when I glanced through the window was none of the many things I had hoped for. It was worse, much, much worse than my worst nightmare, more painful than the separation, more heart breaking than telling her I didn't love her. It was impossible, unbearable to look at. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. Now that I could see her angelic face, I knew I would never again be able to look away.

But it hurt. It hurt to look, to see all the damages I had done.

Bella, my sweet Bella, was sitting at the table in the center of the room. Her arms were crossed against her chest, as if she were trying to hold herself together. It was too hard to watch. She looked like she was about to fall on the cold, tiled floor at any second.

I winced in agony as my eyes slowly looked up to her face. Her eyes were on the floor, as if anticipating the fall, but I could see them clearly.

I had known her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes, her laughing eyes. I had seen them sparkling with happiness, filled with caring love. But in that moment, they were unrecognizable. The beautiful brown color was now replaced by a grey, sad shade in her evasive eyes.

The corners of her mouth were trembling, as if she had been crying. Her delicate nose was colored with a red shade. The rest of her beautiful face was covered with a dark curtain of her tangled hair. I could see her skin, her soft, thin skin, paler than mine. It looked like it had never seen the sunshine.

But what horrified me the most was the emptiness, the pain that was expressed so strongly in her eyes, her nose, her mouth, in each and every one of her perfect features. It was tearing me apart. I could feel it aching in every muscle, weakening every bone in my body, eating me alive.

I couldn't… I just couldn't understand, how, why she had changed that much. What had happened to her that made her look so… miserable? So unrecognizable?

It couldn't have been me. It couldn't have been the fact that I had left her, I couldn't have touched her life that way. This wasn't a small scar, this was an open wound.

No, it couldn't have been me. Who was I to think that? Never in my life had I wanted this much to be able to read her mind, to understand her. I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I was strong enough because I thought I would see her happy, as usual. I thought I would get to see the Bella of my memories, her loving smile and her sparkling eyes. But this was only a shadow of the Bella I knew. I loved her and it hurt me more than any distance put between us to see her like this.

I wanted to tell her that I was there, a few feet from her, and that I loved her. I wanted her to know the truth. I hated the fact that I had been the one putting her in this bubble of lies, of blasphemies.

I couldn't take my eyes off her. I spent the next hours looking at her. I could finally breath her delicious scent, hear her heartbeat. I remembered with a smile how unsteady her breathing was whenever she knew I was close to her. But she seemed to breathe with difficulties in that moment, as if something was blocking her throat.

I had been watching her for a long time when suddenly, her eyes froze, an obvious and indescribable look of pain on her face. She immediately put her hands on her heart, trying to close an invisible wound and started suffocating. She stayed in this position for a few minutes, her hands tightly gripping her chest, her breathing less steady than ever. Finally, her heartbeat evened and she slowly went back to her earlier position.

I had spent these few minutes frozen, my eyes wide open on the terrible scene. I couldn't understand what had caused it. It all had happened so quickly, even for me. One second she had been staring into space with her empty eyes and the next she had almost been on the floor, trying to hold herself together.

I was angry at whatever was making her that… miserable. I spent the following days asking myself what could have caused this, all the while avoiding the idea, the little voice in the back of my head that said it may have been me.

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A.N: Okay so I'm really not sure about this one and I _am_ sure there is a lot of mistakes, but here is chapter 6.


	7. Accident

**VII. Accident**

**Bella's POV**

What was I doing here? Was I masochistic? Or just insane? Nothing good could possibly come out of this. I was just going to hurt myself. But I guess I couldn't suffer more than I already was.

I was wandering in the forest. Behind the trees, I could see the sun disappearing. Just like in the dream, I thought, shivering. But this was the point.

I had woken up that morning and realized my bubble was gone. I couldn't protect myself, I was too sensible for any physical contact. I felt naked without the protective shell I had grown used to. I could hear people talking louder, felt the dangerous proximity with them more than I used to, felt the rain on my skin more aggressively. And I had realized I needed my bubble back.

I could now clearly feel the emptiness in my head and I wasn't distracted enough. It was inevitable; I was going to think about _him_. I wasn't immune to the temptation anymore and the need I had been trying to bury was resurfacing. The need to remember. The need to know that the memory I had desperately tried to escape was still fresh deep down. The simple need to recall _his_ god like face, _his_ harmonious laugh, _his_ dazzling smile. I tried unsuccessfully to block the pain I knew was coming, but it was a lost battle. Now that my bubble had broken, the pain was even worse.

All day long, I had been trying to escape my own mind, to clear my head. But it was impossible. And that is why I was here.

This was a last desperate attempt to be distracted. I had realized the one time I needed less efforts to do that was when I was asleep. At night, my mind was only controlled by my subconscious, which made it easier. However, it was still painful. But I was already broken beyond repair, so I decided it didn't matter.

That is why I was wandering in the forest, at twilight. I was trying to relive the nightmare, to make it more real. It was stupid, reckless, and irrational and I knew that. But at this point, I didn't even try to be rational anymore. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I wasn't sure what that meant, but all I knew was that I had suffered enough. I was done. I couldn't bear the pain anymore. It was too much. Too much effort, too much waste. I couldn't spend the rest of my life trying to escape the memories I actually wanted to remember, trying to forget the only face I wanted to see, the only voice I wanted to hear, the only person I wanted to be with.

But what was I talking about? The rest of my life? My life was over. And it had been for a long time.

I got a little out of the forest and walked on the side of the road. I could still smell the leaves of the trees, or hear the rain on the forest ground. I hated the fact that I was so sensible to everything around me now. There was no doubt I needed my bubble back.

As I thought about this, the sky had gotten darker. I slowly stood up and looked up towards the sky, feeling the rain on my thin skin. And then, I smiled. A smile that didn't reach my eyes, but it was the first one in months.

It was weird. I hadn't smiled for so long, and even though this smile was a sad, desperate one, it made me remember the ones I had on my face a long time ago. Those were the happy ones. The smiles you don't notice because they're natural, regular. Because you never think you're going to stop smiling.

I had missed the feeling. Because smiling was always followed by happiness, and I couldn't quite remember that. That simple, yet beautiful twitch of the lips, usually combined with laughter or tears. Tears of joy.

Suddenly, I was blinded by a white light. I looked up and saw a car, at full speed, heading towards me.

The driver had obviously lost control because of the rain on the road. He seemed as surprised as I was. But he was panicked, paralyzed and I realized I was just waiting for the loud crash. I didn't understand why, but in that very moment, I wasn't even trying to avoid the crash that would surely end my life. Maybe I had been waiting for this for a long time. Maybe I had just been hoping that destiny, or fate, or whatever made this crazy world, would end my now painful existence.

And then, even more surprising, a shape came out of the forest. A dark, fast and graceful silhouette, like the ones in my nightmare. It was flying towards the place where I stood, and I was now sure that this was what I had been waiting for. Before I knew it, I was a few feet away from the car that was now crashing against a tree, and the dark silhouette that had saved me was gone.

I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. There were only two options: either what had just happened before my eyes was true, or either I was crazy. Deciding I would have more time to think about that later, I tried to focus on the accident that had just happened.

I was alive. I blinked my eyes, and realized that an ambulance was already there, and paramedics were checking on the driver that had obviously been less lucky than me.

I stood up and walked the faster I could to my house. I didn't need a useless trip to the ER. Fortunately, nobody noticed me.

As soon as I had gotten past the door, I ran to my room. I quickly put myself into bed, too tired to change, and immediately fell asleep.

For the first time in months, I had a peaceful, dreamless night.


	8. Beautiful Moment

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight. **

**VIII. Beautiful Moment**

**Edward's POV**

This was impossible. How could I have been so stupid? She had seen me. All these efforts I had done hiding, trying to help her move on, it was all lost now. But on the other hand, what was I supposed to do, watch her die? No. As soon as I had seen this terrible mental picture of my sweet Bella lying on the side of the road, her blood running down her skin, life escaping her fragile, breakable body… I realized I didn't have a choice. I had to save her, even if it meant destroying everything I had done up until now trying to protect her.

Fortunately, I was almost completely sure she hadn't recognized me. I had been too fast for her delicate human eyes, a blurry shape at the most. And the sky was dark in that moment, the trees covering everything the moonlight could shine on, so she couldn't have seen more than something dark coming out of the forest.

What I didn't understand was what she had been doing. Usually, after getting home from school, she would just cook dinner for Charlie, stay a little while in the kitchen and then go to bed. But this time, she had gotten out of her truck and walked into the forest.

I noticed she had been acting different all day. Her eyes weren't as empty as they were and she had seemed so much breakable or sensible than she had ever been. As if there usually was an invisible shield between her and the rest of the world and it had suddenly been taken from her.

And so, as she started walking down the path I had taken with her a few months earlier, she seemed to be concentrating on something. Something I couldn't see, couldn't understand. She wandered in the forest for a while, a frown on her face, the pain more visible than ever in her eyes. Then, she got out of the forest and started walking on the side of the road. She sat on the moist ground and I could see the rain on her beautiful skin, like tears. I didn't know why, but this made me even more sadder than I already was. Maybe because she seemed even more miserable, vulnerable on that lonely road. Or maybe because, once again, I didn't understand the cause of all this terrible pain. It seemed too destructive, too devastating to be held in only one body.

Then, something happened that was even more unexpected, but something that warmed my cold heart. She slowly stood up and looked at the sky, rain drops in her long eyelashes. And she smiled.

It was strange, at first, because it wasn't one of the smiles I was used to. I had known Bella maybe more than she knew herself and I could usually read her face so easily.

But not for the last few months. No, during these painful months, I had been incapable of understanding what was happening, I couldn't read her like I used to.

And that's why I was so glad to see this smile. Because even though it wasn't the one I wanted to see, even though it wasn't the one she wore when she was really happy, I could finally understand her a little. I could see during that brief moment that she was surprised, too by that unexpected, but sad smile. In that very moment, I could see she was remembering the same memories I was. It was just wonderful. For the first time in months, I could see she was a little bit happy, and I was too. This moment was a beautiful one that we were both sharing, even if there was a distance between us.

And then something happened that ruined it. I heard a voice in my head, the panicked thoughts of a driver farther away on the road. He was loosing control of his car because of the rain and I understood with horror that he would reach us in a few seconds. No, he would reach the spot where_ Bella_ stood.

One second later, Bella turned her head and saw the car lights, flashing in her eyes. But she didn't panic or try to run. She didn't seem paralyzed, and yet she stood there, not even _scared_. She looked like she was just waiting for the accident to happen, to be run over by the car. Was she insane? She had to stand out of the way, or she would surely… die. No, I had to do something; I couldn't just stand there and _watch _as her life would be taken away.

Before I had time to think about the consequences, about the efforts I had done that would be wasted, I flew towards her, grabbed her and left her lying safely a few feet away.

This small act was probably one of the hardest in my life. Because I couldn't hold on to her, I knew I had to let her go in a few instants, and yet I knew I couldn't walk away from this moment of heaven. As she was in my arms, I could feel her soft skin, smell her scent, breathe it in her hair. I was finally touching her, which had been my dream for months now. But soon, too soon, I had to let her go and get away from her, at a safer distance.

And yet she hadn't noticed these particles of a second that had been heaven for me. She had barely seen me coming, and as I got away from her, I could see that she didn't even know how she had gotten where she now lay.

She looked around, panicked for a few seconds. Then, she stood up and quickly walked away from the scene, hoping no one would notice her. I knew just how much she hated hospitals. I quickly followed her to her house. She was shivering, but not from the cold, I was guessing. She looked exhausted and got into bed without putting on her pajamas. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

This night was different. She didn't cry, she didn't repeat "Too fast… Too close…" She was just peaceful. It was wonderful. I stood there, just inches from her face, admiring her beauty.

I had already spent five hours just looking at her, fascinated, when I heard a faint tap on the window. I looked around, and suddenly I heard Alice's voice in my head.

_Come on Edward, let me in._

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Wow, first cliffie. But it was a small one, so don't hate me please :)

**I'm so happy, I had 400 hits on this story today (for now )! Thanks to everyone who added me to their story alerts or favorite author or story list, and please review, it makes me write faster !**


	9. Explanations

**A.N: I want to thank the people who reviewed with suggestions about the POV in this chapter. I decided to go with Alice's, to get another perspective and to see how Edward doesn't realize something very obvious, agreeing with yoyoente. I also want to thank the people who have added me to favorite stories, authors lists, or author and story alert, and who review encouragingly: barbiedoll123, waterfall1025, RhiannaCullen, Purple With A Purpose, ForeverBella14, Straw Hat Melody, Hey-Hay13... Hope you enjoy this chapter, I've been writing it since 1:15 a.m and it's 3:43...**

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IX. Explanations

**Alice's POV**

I loved my dear brother very much but I had to cut short this moment, as beautiful as it was.

I had been watching them for a few minutes now, Edward being in such concentration looking at Bella he didn't even notice me. He was just standing inches from her face, watching her with so much love in his caring eyes it made me feel like an intruder, as if I was breaking their intimacy. Of course, she was sleeping, so she didn't notice anything. But you could see, floating on her lips, a peaceful but painful smile. As if there was a cost to this peace, as if it hurt to smile.

Edward's expression was hard to decipher. It seemed like he was struggling against some kind of dilemma, his eyebrows pulled together, his lips turned into a fine line. I had known my brother for a long time and I could tell, despite the warm, loving look he held in his eyes, that he was in pain.

They both looked fine in appearance, but I saw, deep down, that I had been missing something the first time I had looked at them. That the smile stretching across both of their faces wasn't regular, that in both cases it was the first in months. They were miserable. If only they knew, if only they could see.

Maybe Bella realized how much of a mess she was, but if Edward had seen, even for a second, the destruction he had caused, they wouldn't be apart. There had to be an explanation, if Edward knew that this was all his fault, he would have tried to heal this broken heart long ago.

It was insane; they were absolutely perfect for each other. I realized, as I took in every detail, that the scene was finally complete. Well, except for a few things, but that is why I was here.

I was glad I had finally come here. I couldn't go through one more day without knowing how they were both dealing with this. Obviously, I had every right to be worried. Edward had left for more than three months now and I couldn't give him space anymore. I needed my brother and my best friend, and they obviously needed me more.

Reluctantly, I tapped on the glass of the window. I saw that Edward had finally noticed my presence, and I asked him silently to let me in.

He looked confused at first, but quickly, his expression became normal again. Actually, not normal, but what I guessed had been regular for him during the past few months. He stood, opened the window and I silently rushed into Bella's room.

"What in heaven's name are you doing here Alice?" he hissed through his teeth. I couldn't tell if he was more confused or angry, but that didn't matter. I wasn't afraid of my big brother. I pulled him into a hug, glad I could finally see him.

"Well" I said as I pulled away, "I wanted to err…" I knew that if I said "check on you" he would get mad, and it was quite unnecessary at the moment.

_Oh no you don't. Forget it, I know how to keep my thoughts from you, dear brother._

"Okay" he sighed in defeat. He sat on the rocking chair, and I sat on the floor, next to him, as I was singing _Seventeen Forever_ backwards in my head.

"So, how are you… handling it?" I said anxiously, knowing it would be hard to get the truth out of him. He didn't like to seem vulnerable and decided to play dumb.

"Handling what?" he tried to say casually, never looking away from Bella.

"Edward, I love you and I think I know you more than anyone in the world, except maybe for Bella. And I think we're a little too old to play at that game, we're both more than a hundred years old, so just tell me the truth from now on okay?"

He was silent for a few minutes. I knew it would be hard, for both of us, if he did open up, but he obviously needed it. And I knew I could help. I wanted to. He opened his mouth now and then, but quickly closed it shut. I had almost never seen Edward struggling for words, he always tried to look expressionless, distant. Finally, he started talking.

"I don't know Alice… I'm lost here. I mean I'm not- I could never be lost as long as I'm near her. But it has been months! For months she's looked miserable, sad, devastated, and yet beautiful and… I hate it, the fact that I don't understand, that I can't understand, it doesn't matter how hard I try… How did… Why… What happened to her Alice? She's so sad, her eyes are often grey, her beautiful face is paler than ours, and she looks like she's dying a slow death… Every day is a struggle, I have to resist every second of every minute of every hour the urge to touch her, to ask her what's wrong… to beg… I don't- I can't understand and it's driving me insane. I don't even know how much longer I can take it." He looked at me, and I could finally see every ounce of pain and suffering he felt.

So he really didn't know that it was _him_, the fact that he had left, that caused all of this. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, he was surprisingly clueless when it came to how much Bella loved him. But I was still shocked that he didn't even _understand_, that it had apparently never so much as crossed his mind that he really meant the world for her. The cause of this destruction was so obvious, that in any other context I would have laughed.

I took a deep breath, a reflex that came after pretending to be a human for a few decades, and told him in a tone that was used by teachers when they explained something very simple to little kids:

"Edward, you actually don't see it? You think it's just a coincidence that she seems broken beyond repair just after you_ left_ her?" I was starting to get angry, the resentment I still felt toward him for leaving her that way resurfacing. "Just think, what other possible reason could it be? You were one of the most important people in her life for months, and one day you left her, suddenly pretending that you didn't love her anymore, supposedly for her _sake_? You _really_ don't see what happened?" I tried to calm my voice, knowing I was being hard on him. He deserved it, but right now, more than anything, he needed me to be here for him to _help_ him realize something, and not _yell_ at him –even though we were only speaking loud enough for both of us to hear.

"Are you suggesting that it was _me_? Alice, it's impossible, she's human, they're supposed to move on like it didn't matter, they're supposed to _forget_…" he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than me. When I answered, I tried to make my voice sweeter, more comforting. It wasn't going to be easy to make him realize this.

"Honestly, haven't you even thought about this possibility?"

He was silent for a moment, pinching the bridge of his noise.

"I don't know, I considered it at some point, but I tried to reject it. I mean, looking at her, I realized it was too selfish to think I could have caused this in any way. You know, right now she looks peaceful, even more beautiful. But, up until now, she screamed every night, crying, in her nightmares. When she's awake, it's even worse." His voice broke on the last phrase. He still hadn't looked away from her face, covered by a curtain of tangled hair.

"Edward, trust me. This is worse than I thought, and if you don't do anything about it, soon it will be too late."

"But what Alice?" He turned his head to look at me. "What can I do? Even if you're right, how can I make it better? Believe me, I realize that I'm going to have to make a choice soon; I can't just stand by and watch her. But, on the other hand, I can't _stop_ watching her, I can't imagine my life without her if I walked away. The first time, it hurt too badly, I can't bear the thought of that happening again. See, I need her, but she doesn't need me. And as far as I can see, this is the best solution I can come up with."

"God, you're wrong on so many levels! First, I _am_ right, all of this is because of you. And I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I'm telling you this to help you realize 

something that is essential to make your decision. Second, she does need you, don't you see it? If you would just listen to me, you would realize the only way to make this better, and the best solution, is to simply come back to her, walk back into her life. If you're so stubborn about your idea that you are not the cause of this in any way, this solution is still the best one because you could try to get some closure and realize that she does want you back." He was never going to listen to me, was he?

"This is the stupidest thing you've said yet._ If_ you're right, then I still couldn't walk back into her life and beg her to take me back. I had reasons to leave, remember? We are a _threat_ for her, Alice." He was being the stupid one.

"Say what you want, but I know that you could never hurt her. I mean" I said before he could protest, which he was obviously dying to. "that yes, technically you could kill her, but deep down you know you never could. Mind over matter, you said so yourself. And Jasper has been feeling terrible since Bella's birthday, you know that. He knows he's the reason behind your decision to move and to leave her, and he'd do anything to make it up to you. He's been more controlled than ever about his thirst. And what was the last reason? Ah yes, interfering with her human life. First, I'm sure that you are worth these little sacrifices to her, and it's not a lot. And second, you know Bella, she'll miss out on a lot of things anyway if we aren't there to tell her what we miss most about our human life or if we aren't forcing her to go to prom." I had to smile at that.

"Alice, I don't know, you're telling me a lot of things I hadn't even considered. And you know I want to be with her, but it just seems…" I cut him mid-sentence:

"Edward, you two are meant for each other".

A small smile appeared on his lips. He couldn't argue with that.

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Review please, so I know if you liked it or not and if you think I should change anything !

I'm leaving for a week tomorrow to go to Barcelona so I won't be able to update :( ...


	10. Confused

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.**

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**X. Confused**

**Edward's POV**

"Come on Edward, please tell me you believe me now. I'm tired of repeating the same thing over and over, but if it is what it takes, then I won't stop until you realize this!" Alice's voice broke the silence that had lasted for a long, peaceful time. She wasn't going to let this go, was she?

It was 7:31 in the morning and Bella could wake up at any moment. She still hadn't screamed once during the night, and I was unbelievably glad for it. Unfortunately, a certain little pixie had ruined the first night in months where my Bella had slept dreamlessly. I decided to ignore her. She had been saying the same things almost all night long, hiding her thoughts. I had to admit that some of them made a lot of sense. However, I kept shaking my head or disagreeing with her, trying to find flaws in her explanations, but if only she knew how much I wanted to believe her!

"Alice, she's going to wake up any minute now. When she does, we'll go out the window and you'll go back home." I said calmly. I was glad to see my sister, I really was, but all of this was too much at a time. I had been silent for months, enjoying the peace of watching my angel every second of the day, and suddenly my sister was there, trying to make me believe things I knew would only hurt. I just needed time, and space, to think about everything she had said.

"What? You really think I just came here to chitchat about the weather or just thought it would be fun to show you how miserable you both are? No dear brother, I came here to help, because I need my brother and my best friend back. Like it or not, I won't go until things are better here. And don't even think about trying to convince me to go, never bet against Alice, you say so yourself."

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew on some level she was right, it was useless to argue with her over something that important. But I didn't like where this was going, she couldn't follow me all day long while I was already following Bella! This made no sense. No sense at all.

But before I could answer, Bella stirred in her sleep. Usually, she started screaming before she woke up, which made it easier, despite all the pain it hid. But this time, without any warning, her eyes fluttered open. Panicked, I looked at Alice, who seemed strangely calm. I hissed through my teeth, only loud enough for her to hear "Out the window, now!"

Fortunately, we were out of her room, clenching on the wall of her house, by the time she was really waking up. She sat up in her bed, and looked around, a look of surprise in her sad eyes. I heard Alice faintly gasping in horror, and for a second she forgot to block her thoughts from me. I shivered as I saw in her head what she had in front of her eyes for the first time. The sight of the real Bella, at least the person she had been during the past few months, not the Bella that had spent the previous night simply breathing in and out, smiling. Unfortunately, her peaceful sleep had had no effects at all on her state when she was awake. She was the same, destroyed, empty Bella that I had been watching for months, hoping she would get better. I threw a glance sideways at Alice, and whispered "I know", sadness overflowing in my voice.

Alice motioned to the ground, and we both landed in the backyard.

"This is so much worse than I thought! Have you seen her? We have to fix this somehow… But you still don't believe me, do you?" she spoke so fast I almost didn't understand.

"I told you, when she's awake… Last night it was just so different, so…" I said, before Alice cut me mid-sentence:

"Peaceful." She stated. And I could see it in her mind, the sweet Bella that had smiled all night long; the one I loved more than anyone. Long seconds dragged on with my thoughts far away from Alice, toward Bella, where they belonged.

"Yes", I whispered.

We were both silent for a moment, her eyes scrutinizing mine, trying to find something in them. But I didn't know what; even though she had now entirely let down her guard, her thoughts were too chaotic for me to even catch a coherent sentence. Suddenly, her voice broke the silence:

"Edward, how long has it been since the last time you went hunting?" Her question caught me off-guard.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled.

"Because you look thirsty and because I'm guessing there is some kind of "leaving her less often possible" rule in your new hobby."

She had guessed right, of course. Either because she was very perceptive or it was just obvious. Unfortunately, I knew it was because of the first explanation. As always, in the rare occasions she was uncertain of something, Alice guessed with her usual intuition. Sometimes it was quite annoying, but on some level it was useful to live with someone who knew me so well, even though she didn't always use it wisely.

"No Alice, I can't go hunting. Not tonight, or any of the following days for that matter." I didn't want to leave Bella, not when she looked like she was about to lose it. The whole accident thing had made me more worried than ever about her safety or her sense of self-preservation.

"I really think you need to feed, your eyes are darker than I have ever seen them. If you really don't want to leave her unprotected, I could take over, you know. I really don't mind." Of course she didn't. But I was afraid she would talk to her, I knew Alice as much as she knew me. And she was apparently determined to have things back the way they were, so I didn't have the slightest doubt she would enjoy the fact that I was gone and jump on the opportunity. We couldn't mess with Bella's life any more than we already had, I wouldn't allow it. It was the least I could do and I was determined to complete my goal as much as Alice was.

"No, I'm sorry but I'll stay here. I can control myself; you could go on without me you know. Or you could home…" I trailed off, hearing the hope in my voice.

She put on an evil grin. "Not a chance".

"Of course" I sighed.

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It was 20:16 and Bella was deeply asleep. I sat in the rocking chair, as usual, watching as her chest rose and fell evenly. It had been a calmer day than I had thought it would be; I had expected worse now that my beloved sister had irrupted back into my life. Somehow, I had managed to convince Alice to go hunting and made her promise she wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning. But I _did_ hear what she thought when she left.

"He needs some space; maybe _that_ will be useful for his tiny brain to process what is obvious. But if only he understood! They look so cute, so perfect together…" And then she was too far away for me to hear anything else. I ignored the _tiny brain_ comment; she was only desperate for me to understand. Instead, I smiled, knowing I would finally have some peace.

During the day, Bella had gone back to her… normal self. Well, what had been normal lately at least. On the bright side, she still hadn't screamed once. Maybe the nightmares that seemed to be haunting her were really gone.

I couldn't postpone this anymore. It was time, time for me to think about everything. About what Alice had said, about what I wanted to believe more than anything, about something that I had been desperately trying to understand for months.

But I was confused; I couldn't see the difference between what I knew and what I wanted to be true anymore. Maybe it _was_ too fast, too much information to process at a time. But wasn't it how it was supposed to happen? The slow built-up to the crescendo, the sudden blinding epiphany after months of clueless, useless wondering?

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my noise, and tried very hard to think clearly, gathering everything I knew together.

Bella was devastated and her state hadn't changed much. If anything, it had been getting worse. I mean for heaven's sake, she had almost tried to kill herself! I was no expert on the subject but for me, standing in front of a car that you know is going to end your life, without even trying to run away, was a suicide attempt. So it was clear that Bella's state was now critical, maybe even a matter of life or death at this point.

She had been in this empty, painful state ever since last September, when I had come back from Alaska. A few days after I had talked to her in the forest, after I had told the biggest lies I had ever told, after I had said I didn't love her anymore, after I had left her, I realized slowly…

And now, because of all this, because Bella had loved me in the past, because apparently it was crystal clear to everyone but me, and because Alice would always be Alice, my dear sister was trying to convince me that it was all my fault.

On some level, I wanted to believe her. Because I was selfish, and because deep down I wanted to know I truly meant enough for her to put herself in that miserable state. I was the most despicable person that had ever existed.

But on the other hand, I just _couldn't_ believe her. I couldn't allow myself to give in this terrible temptation, to live the illusion, to take the risk of making a bigger mess than the one I might have caused. And I couldn't _imagine_ that a delicious creature, an angel such as Bella would ever want me back in her life. I was already beyond grateful for every second she had spent with me, for every moment that had felt like heaven, for every time her generous, forgiving heart had ignored my endless selfishness, for every ounce of dazzling happiness her smile had brought.

I suddenly felt an impulse. I needed to be near to her, close enough to feel her sweet breath on my face, maybe to allow my fingers to touch her translucent skin…

Usually, I would have stopped thinking about this immediately, and I would have desperately tried to distract myself. But not now, not tonight. Tonight, there were no more boundaries, no more limits. At least not this limit.

In less than a second, I was sitting on the side of her bed. I stayed like this for a few moments, simply watching her breathing evenly, her chest moving slightly. I slowly leaned closer, not wanting to ruin this opportunity by rushing into it. Technically, I had touched her the previous day, saving her from the accident. But this time, it was so much more beautiful. There wasn't any rush, I had plenty of time. I didn't have to let her go so quickly. I wanted to enjoy this feeling, this moment. I didn't know how long it would be until I would get another one.

And then I was lying on the bed next to her, face to face. I spent a long time like this, maybe minutes, maybe hours, I didn't care. Finally, I approached my cold, hard hand toward her face. So slowly it seemed like an eternity. I gently stroked her cheek with my fingertips, a movement so slight it could have been taken for a caress of the wind. I traced a line along the side of her jaw, ending on the edge of her mouth, at the corners of her lips, letting the euphoria gain my body. Euphoria. There was truly no other word to describe it. It was like I could finally live again, emerging from the water when I had been drowning for months. She intoxicated me, made it impossible for me to breathe, which only would have been a problem if I were human. I needed her like a drug. She was to me what the brand of heroin was to the addict. She had me addicted, intoxicated, in a way that would never make me wish for my freedom or my air back. She was my beautiful, sweet, oversensitive, blushing, loving Bella.

She smiled faintly, so faintly I wasn't even sure it had been real. Just in case she woke up, I eventually removed my hand and reluctantly took my eyes off of her face, toward the ceiling.

"Edward…" her beautiful voice whispered.

My head spun so quickly it would have dislodged, had I not been a vampire. My burning gaze flew to her closed eyelids, toward the peaceful smile floating on her lips. She was still asleep.

I guessed I shouldn't have been surprised. My thoughts shouldn't have rushed back into chaos, my lips shouldn't have stretched into a wide smile, my body shouldn't have been exuding this euphoria. But in that very moment, it didn't matter. As I put everything together, it all suddenly clicked in my head with a burst of intuition.

She _had_ said my name in her sleep before. In her nightmares. And even though I had sensed that the tone was calmer each time my name crossed her lips than it was when she pronounced any other word, I had always ended up by interpreting it as some sort of indifference. Of relief. As if she had had some kind of burden removed, almost as if she didn't care. Because she shouldn't have cared, right?

I knew my interpretation didn't make much sense, but at the time I was even more lost than in that moment. I didn't care about these details when I was still having a hard time realizing what a mess she was.

But now I was ready to think about this, and to realize nothing I had thought up until now made sense. And, for the first time in months, I noticed the longing in her angel voice when she said my name.

That simple, beautiful sound gave me hope. It was as if the clouds had disappeared and left a clear, shimmering sky. And I realized the most wonderful thing ever.

Bella missed me. Maybe she even still loved me a little. Alice was right. Everything she had said was right. I had been stubborn and stupid, in addition of selfish and despicable. But, in that moment, I couldn't care less, as long as she missed me, as long as I meant something to her. The smile stretched even wider across my face, as I was still trying to allow myself to think these words. These beautiful, wonderful, magic words.

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I've spent a lot of time thinking about this chapter, and I know some of you were expecting it so I would really like to hear what you thought about it... And I know I've said it a lot of times before but every fanfiction author does, so please REVIEW! I've seen my stats and I know it's possible to get a lot of reviews...

**Thank you !!**


	11. Hallucinations

**XI. Hallucinations**

**Bella's POV**

Apparently, I was going crazy. Literally. Maybe abandonment worked in phases. Phase one: apathy; phase two: going crazy. I hoped there weren't too much "fun" other steps waiting for me because it almost felt like lab experiment at this point and I was really kind of done.

I think the second phase had started when I had come back from school, walked into the forest and then got nearly killed by a car. It wasn't really the accident that was making me doubt my mental health, or even the fact that I hadn't tried to escape, which basically made me suicidal. No, I think it was more the fact that I still hadn't been able to rationally explain to myself why I was alive. Not much of what I could remember from that evening made sense to me; and I wasn't even that unfamiliar with weirdness, now that I came to think about it.

I was sitting at the round little kitchen table and I realized I had been staring at the clock for a long time without even seeing it. Looking away, I sighed; why would I care about time, no one was waiting for me anyway. Not anymore. In fact, the entire concept of time was lost to me now, and it had been for a while. Distractingly, I glanced toward the window and noticed it was almost dark outside. I hoped it was the end of the evening rather than the very beginning of the day because I was vaguely aware Charlie would not have liked to find me awake in the kitchen past a certain hour of the night; but I couldn't remember the exact hour of my curfew. I shook my head, mad at myself for being so unaware of things. I was sure I looked like a lifeless robot from the outside, but it was so nice to forget, not having to notice useless things of the boring every day routine. But I couldn't dream about that anymore, I had unfortunately lost this comforting ability now.

I had to admit the crazy phase had a silver lining: for one thing, the unlikely accident that I was trying to convince myself I had really witnessed and that I was desperately trying to explain, gave me something else to focus on than the usual pain and sadness. These two ripping emotions were truly the only ones I had been able to feel clearly during the apathy phase, and if I concentrated enough on my own instability they ended up shortly fading away.

Again, I tried to focus on the accident, the car crash, which thankfully I guess had not killed me. I could clearly remember I had been standing in the middle of the wet road, alone except for the panicked driver. And then, with no warning whatsoever, I had found myself lying safely a few feet away from the road, as if I had suddenly grown wings and flown away from the dangerous spot where I had been standing. At least, it was the best metaphor I could find to describe how it had felt.

I thought of the shape I was sure I had seen come out of the forest right before the crash; if my reasoning was right, if my eyes had not betrayed me, I was convinced that this dark mysterious shape was the key, for many reasons. First, because it had been almost flying toward me right before I had found myself in a safer spot than the one before. Second, because I was positive it was exactly like the ones that had haunted my nights for a long time, the phantom of the nightmare I had been trying to relive that very afternoon. Third, because the instant I had noticed it, I had realized it was the only thing I had truly been waiting for. And I knew, more than anything, that I wanted to believe that it had been real and that it had saved me, no matter how crazy it sounded. Because it meant that somewhere out there, there was still something, maybe someone that was looking out for me, that cared. Actually, I realized with the shadow of a smile, if I knew myself well enough, this kind of thought somehow suited me.

_More than you know._

Surprised, I looked around, but I knew the voice that had talked was inside my head.

_You know you only want to believe that shape saved you._

And now, on top of everything else, I was hearing voices. Great.

"Maybe I do, but it's still the most rational explanation."

And answering them. Out loud. Oh joy.

_Oh please! You're just trying to find a valid reason but you know you're only forcing yourself to._

"Well then, why don't _you_ find another explanation?" My tone was acid as I answered to no one.

_You know I don't have one. I just don't want you to get your hopes up over something that probably just came out of your imagination._

_You know_? How could I have _known_? I didn't know anything about this... voice person. Whose voice was this, anyway? She sounded like rational Bella. Oh great, the big cliché with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. But, as stupid as this theory sounded, I really hoped it was only that. In this moment, a big cliché felt comforting when I was trying to convince myself I was not as abnormal as I seemed.

_You know, I'm only talking because you're crazy._

"Do you _mind_? I'm trying to think here. And if you _are_ only a product from _my_ subconscious, then you're crazy too."

_If you say so, but you should hurry or you'll be late._

Man, she was annoying! But unfortunately, she was also right; it was already 8:24. I ran to my room, threw my backpack on my shoulder, picked an apple on the way back downstairs and got into my truck.

_See._

I didn't know how much more of "rational Bella" I could take for one day. At least, I hoped she wouldn't make me talk to her out loud at school. That might be embarrassing.

As I drove into the parking lot, I sighed at the idea of this voice in the back of my head for the rest of the day. This was going to be "fun".

Before I got past the door of building four, I caught a glimpse of another dark shape, maybe two, by some trees; but they were gone much too fast for me to even be sure they were real. I had not an ounce of doubt anymore about my theory. Phase two was in process. Again, the words "lab experiment" crossed my mind.

* * *

At school, rational Bella didn't say much. Maybe she only showed up when I was reasoning about my possible insanity, maybe she was just a consequence of phase two. But the point was: I was glad to have some peace; even if technically, rational Bella was just another version of myself, for me she was only an addition to my own personal hell.

_That's nice._

As I was driving back, she apparently decided she had given me enough time.

_I don't know why you're so stubborn about this, as you said, I'm only another version of yourself._

"Maybe, but you're the responsible one, the annoying one. And that's not often who I really am."

_Well then, I'll settle for "an addition to your own personal hell"._

"Glad we finally agree on something," I muttered. I stopped my truck in front of the house and got out. The second I crossed the door, her voice –well, _my_ voice actually, how weird- spoke in a distracted tone:

_You should cook dinner for Charlie._

"I know, I've lived here for a year and I know how to take care of my father." She was really bugging me.

_Well, he's mine too actually but whatever. And I know, it was just a reflex, in fact, that was you thinking it, it just came out this way. We're the same, remember?_

Her voice was always so calm, it was annoying. How could a voice that was supposed to be mine seem so different?

_You know we're not different at all. If anything, I'm only saying the things you're too afraid to think on your own. The things that you know are true, but that you don't want to face._

As I started preparing Charlie's meal, I answered in a sarcastic tone:

"Well then enlighten me."

_Well, for example, as I said earlier, you only want to believe that shape saved you. You know, the one that came out of your imagination, like the one you think you see sometimes at school, in your house, like the ones in your nightmares._

"Okay now stop." I had stopped cooking and my hands were now on both sides of my head as I was resting against the sink.

_See. And now you want to believe that it's actually weird, maybe because you miss having something weird in your life. Or someone…_

"Stop it!" I yelled before she had time to finish. There was a long silence. Tears welled in my eyes, because of the frustration.

_No, it's because you're sad. And you're angry at me._

"Well sure, that too. But I'm not sad, because none of what you're saying is true! It's not… it's _not_…true." My voice weakened as I fell on my knees in the middle of the kitchen.

The worst part was, I didn't think I should have been angry at her. Her tone wasn't mean, it wasn't even as indifferent or cold as before, but sweet, comforting.

_If only you knew how much I'd want not having to tell you this. How much I'd want it all to be wrong, to believe everything you have the strength to believe. But you know that, deep down, I'm only the messenger, and that I'm right. Just search deep down, and all the pain will stop._

"You're wrong! You're lying! You know the pain won't go away, it never does- It's just there, always there, it hurts and I am done… I'm done now, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to suffer anymore I just want…peace. Is it too much to ask? A little bit of peace?" My hands were now grabbing the sink as I pulled myself up, slowly and carefully. I felt like the tiniest movement would break me into a million pieces, I felt so fragile, so… breakable.

_No, you're right. The pain probably won't ever fade away. At least, it won't if you keep telling yourself that. But you're here, you're alive and you have to thank whatever god you believe in for that. You could have died a million times, but you didn't. And this time, just like all the others, you'll get through this if you want to._

"No I won't. You know, earlier I was thinking that maybe we _do_ have something in common. But even though we're the same person, the same mind, the same body and that all of this is just me going crazy once more, there's still a line between us. Maybe that's what makes us different, the limit between you and me. Between rational Bella and irrational Bella. Maybe it's the fact that I know this is far much worse than any pain I've ever been in. That at this point, I don't have a life _to_ repair, the pieces are too small to put them back together. But you, you think I will get through this. Is_ this_ rational?"

_This is not a black and white world. We could both be wrong, or we could both be right. But it's true, we've been broken beyond repair, we've been through too much pain… and maybe there is no cure. But is it a reason to stop believing? To give up?_

My voice was only a whisper as I answered. "If it's only to get false hopes, to fall one more time, then yes, it is."

In these intense moments, we had both been rational and irrational, and yet it had made us closer. If it was possible. Was it so weird to create a bond with the other side of yourself?

_Yes_, she whispered. _But possible._

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**So, what did you think of "rational Bella" ?? I wanted to do the whole voice in her head thing so I added my own personal touch :) Lots of drama, too ! (I hoped it wasn't too much though...)**

**You know what I want: REVIEWS ! If I don't get enough, you won't get the next chapter before a long time... I'm cruel.**


	12. Plane tickets, lullaby and loving note

**A.N: I know I told some of you that this chapter would have both Bella and Edward's POV, but it was too long so I'll do Edward's in the next one. I also said that chapter 13 would be an important one, like in the books, but I had to postpone it so I would be able to do all of this first. I'm sorry, more than you can imagine! I just wanted to get your opinion on this as soon as possible so... Sorry! :(**

**If you really hate me then you can beat me to death with fiction sticks but if you do then you won't be able to read the next chapters... Muahaha.**

**And a big thank you to all of my reviewers, you are my most loyal readers and you know who you are!**

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Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.

XII. Plane tickets, lullaby and loving note

**Bella's POV**

Odd things had been happening lately. I mean, aside from the fact that I had been developing suicidal tendencies and that I now had a voice in the back of my head driving me crazy –at least, more than I already was.

This morning, when I had woken up after another peaceful night –during which I had experienced a normal dream-, I had found on my desk, near to my decrepit computer, the two plane tickets that… _they_ had offered me on my last birthday. I had stared at the testimony of the painful memory for a few minutes, not knowing _how_ they had gotten there. Even rational Bella stayed speechless as I felt her panic grow as strong as my own –which was logical considering she was me.

In my life, I had already discovered I talked in my sleep, but _never_ had I experienced sleep walking, which had been the first rational theory that had crossed my mind as I felt the rush of dangerous memories. But even if I was right about this one, it couldn't have been the explanation for this because I had _no_ idea where I would have found this present from my last birthday, conscious or not. It had disappeared along with the CD _he_ had offered me that day and the photos I had taken that week.

My next move, as stupid as it seemed, had been to hide them. Thinking about all of this was already more than I could bear and I knew that if I had to _look_ at something that reminded me of _them_, I would have gone crazy. Figure of speech, considering I should have already been confined to a mental institution long ago. As I put the tickets away between the pages of the first book I could find, my hands shaking, I muttered under my breath:

"This is _really_ not the right time… I can't lose it now, not _now_…"

I didn't exactly know why I said that, first because I was already losing it and second because there was never a good time to go crazy. But I was overwhelmed by the memories rushing into my mind, crashing against the fragile barrier I had been slowly trying to build these last few months.

This was bad, really bad. Phase two was getting out of hand now; I mean _how the hell_ had these two tickets gotten here?

"So, _rational me_, got any rational explanation?" I must have been really desperate because I had never tried to wake her up myself.

_I am as speechless as you are._

"Apparently, not quite," I grumbled.

_Wait, first you should make sure they're real. Your imagination apparently has no limits._

"Unfortunately I can't deny that." I opened the book reluctantly, noticing it was _Sense and Sensibility_. Remembering the name of the hero, I thought bitterly that irony could not get crueler.

The two plane tickets to Jacksonville were there, although I couldn't read clearly the expiration date because of my too shaky hands. There was a silence as I looked at them, not believing what was in front of my eyes. Finally, I somehow accepted the unacceptable and spoke slowly:

"Yep, they're real and I am… fainting." My tone was more surprised than panicky as I saw the floor approaching dangerously fast. A second later, everything went black and I heard the loud thud more than I felt it.

* * *

My eyes slowly fluttered open and I felt something hard and cold against my back. The floor. I was on the floor. I looked around, a little groggy and saw the plane tickets that were still in my right hand.

"Oh crap." How long had I been out? I stood up carefully, my eyes franticly looking for the clock.

_The nightstand._

"Oh right," I stated as I examined the little red numbers: 11:42. I had passed out for approximately an hour and a half. It wasn't that bad; I had done worse.

_Focus._

The plane tickets, I thought.

"I need some air." I didn't know for whose benefice I had spoken out loud, she would have figured it out on her own. But phase two gave me an excuse now for this kind of demonstration of mental instability. I grabbed my coat after making sure I would need it –even though the odds I wouldn't have were slim- and went down to the kitchen. I needed to eat something if I wanted to think clearly; I had had a chance to experience post-fainting effects in my life and I knew not eating had for consequence a bad one. I threw a Pop-Tart in the toaster and waited, my fingers drumming against the counter.

_Breathe._

"I. Am. Breathing," I said, choking on each syllable.

_I meant, breathe normally. _

"I can't." This was just too much; I felt the tears well in my eyes once more. "This _cannot_ be happening!" I said after a silence, still leaning against the counter. "Am I really that self-destructive? How, _how_ did they get here? This is worse than sadomasochism, this is…"

Ding. The toaster interrupted me before I could finish. Which was okay, considering I didn't know how to finish that sentence. I grabbed the Pop-Tart and ran out of the house. I must have looked quite strange, running into the forest, tears in my eyes, two plane tickets in my right hand and a pastry in my left one.

As soon as I found the path I knew would lead me to nowhere, I sat down on the moist ground and bit into the Pop-Tart.

_You do look weird._

"Shut up." As soon as I said these words, I somehow regretted them. She was the only company I had, even if she drove me insane, even if her presence was a witness to my own instability. She was all I had. Charlie was almost never home, not because he didn't want to see me, but because he didn't know how to deal with my "condition". He probably thought it would be best to give me some space. Poor Charlie. If only he knew how far this had taken me.

I choked a little on the last mouthful and my dry throat was irritated as I swallowed it. I hadn't even noticed the taste. With a sigh, I thought of the plane tickets I held in my hand so tight because, now that I knew they were real, I didn't want them to vanish out of my sight. If they disappeared now… I didn't know how much worse I could get.

_Maybe you're not the one who found them and put them on your desk._

"I would like to think that, but _who_ would it be? The only other people who know about this and who could have known where to find them are…" I trailed off, not wanting to say the word, to hear the word, to think the word.

_Gone._

"Don't," I said in a whisper.

"_Don't"?! You have to start facing the things you don't want to hear, the truth you don't want to see. For heaven's sake, you just found in your room two plane tickets that, you were sure of it, were gone, along with everything that was a proof of their existence! Don't you realize how bad the situation is? You could have gone so crazy that you could have found them and put them on your desk without remembering anything, or someone could have gone into your room, someone who knew where to find them! Either way, this is much worse than anything you've been through during these last three months! And you can't try to solve this if you won't even think the words that remind you of them!_

As each of her words stung like a million needles, I felt my body shaking uncontrollably before realizing I was sobbing.

"And w-what on earth m-makes you think I want t-to solve this?" The words came out distorted because of my sobs. "I mean y-yes, you're right, I don't l-like the idea that I d-don't even know how it happened, but do I r-really want to know the t-truth?"

_Calm down. Breathe… slowly._

For some reason, I listened to her and my breathing eventually evened. The tears were now silently running down my cheeks. Her voice was now no more than a murmur.

_Maybe you don't. I know that it hurts, and that you'd rather act like it didn't happen so you won't have to think about this anymore. But all I'm saying is that maybe there will be more; and you'll need to be prepared. You should allow yourself a little weakness in the barrier you've built, and think at least about one little thing that you would like to recall. It may hurt, but you know as well as I do that you need it._

"Now who's being irrational?" I muttered.

_Please, you know you need it. It's for your own good._

"And yours."

_Well sure, that too, but what is mine is yours._

I wasn't sure, but I thought I heard a faint laugh accentuate her words.

_One little innocent memory. That's all you need. That's all _we_ need._

When she saw I didn't answer, she went on.

_It can't be too strong. But you could start by remembering… The wind in your hair…_

I couldn't resist; I finished her sentence:

"… when I was on his back, and_ he_ was running through the forest."

And I did. I remembered; it pleased me to see that the memory was still so fresh, so strong I almost felt the wind on the shape of my neck as hard as it was then. _He_ was my everything, the wings that made me fly, the force that made me higher than the ground, the air that filled my lungs, the freedom that sent a wave of euphoria through my body.

I felt the pain coming, but refused to lose this time: I just kept on thinking about the wind in my hair, the forest that passed in a blur around me. I thought about it over and over again, pushing back the suffering, until I couldn't anymore. And sure enough, the pain got the best of me. But this time, I had won the glory of a memory, the right to recall; which made the pain strangely faint, only a shadow of what it used to be. I felt a grin stretch across my face, on which the short suffering had had no effect at all. Where stubbornness had failed so many times over the past few months, freedom had won.

_See, it wasn't so bad after all._ She was teasing me, and I could almost hear the smile in her voice –_my_ smile, _my_ voice.

"That was the understatement of the year," I said, trying to catch my breath after this rush of emotions. But I didn't care; I had just experienced _living_ for the first time in a while.

I stood up, the smile still stretching across my face where the tears were dry now, and walked back toward the house, holding the tickets tightly. After all, they could be a blessing more than a curse.

* * *

I was now sitting on my bed, gazing into space. I shook my head and my eyes flew to the plane tickets that had not left my hand, to make sure they were still there. Unsurprisingly, they were. I had a light, nervous laugh and leaned back on the bed, my eyes closed and my hands on my face.

I thought of the experience of the memory I had lived earlier today. It had been so wonderful, so exhilarating that I had been thinking about trying again for an hour now, without daring to though.

_All right, that's it._

"Oh what now?" I grumbled.

_Now you're scared again, but you should continue remembering, step by step! Now is the time, and it will make you stronger in case another… testimony appears magically in your room._

I knew she was right, but I wasn't sure I could push back the wave of pain so shortly after the first one and I didn't want to risk it.

_Yeah well sometimes you have to take one for the team._

"Pardon me?" I said, opening my eyes and taking my hands off of my face.

_Forget I said that. I just think you're going back and forth, back and forth too much, without ever really going forward. Now that you know you're strong enough, you should make the most of it._

Again, she was right, I knew she was. If I really wanted to win against the pain that came each time I went too far into my memories, I should experience it. I didn't want to suffer anymore, and now that I knew how, I was going to enjoy this opportunity.

_Exactly. Think about it, trying to forget hasn't helped you so far and it's not like you don't _want_ to remember. So think about everything you have foolishly forbidden yourself to up until now but remember, not too much, nor too fast. Now, think about... the taste of the mushroom raviolis you ate the night you were in Port Angeles._

And again, I did as she said. I started by the mushroom raviolis, then the Coke, followed by the look on the waitress's face each time she had approached the table, the booth we sat in and slowly, I rebuilt in my head everything that had happened that night during and after the meal; trying to avoid any memory too precise of_… _him.

But then, after at least half an hour, I carefully started to visualize his face, his auburn hair, his pale skin… I thought the waves of pain that I had felt coming all along but rejected were going to kill me this time. But they didn't, and I kept pushing them back; I was pleased to see that, instead of getting weaker, I was becoming stronger, more immune.

_Now his eyes, _she said then.

"His eyes? Don't you think it might be too much? I'm only barely rejecting the pain…" My tone was surprised and a little anxious.

_Give yourself a little credit. You have been doing great up until now and your efforts won't be complete if you can't yet remember the eyes._

"The eyes…" I felt like describing them out loud would be even better, a more delicious freedom.

"They were black when I met him. Thirsty. Crabby, I told him back then." I couldn't help but laugh faintly at that. I remembered how he had taken my theory. "But when he came back a week after, they were gold. That was how I liked them the most, deep butterscotch. Topaz."

I opened my eyes, my smile wider than ever. I realized after a few seconds that I had not needed to block the pain; it had never come this time.

And then I laughed. I laughed, alone and stupid. It wasn't really a happy laugh, more a relieved laugh. I wasn't ready for happy yet; but it didn't matter since, even with my memories, there was no way for me to be happy now. Not now, or ever again.

I got up after that exhausting experience to put the tickets back between the pages of the book. As I opened _Sense and Sensibility_, I noticed there was an envelope inside of it. And envelope which, I was sure, had not been there earlier. Maybe it was a good thing that I had prepared myself because I had a feeling that there was a major phase two extract for me here. I concentrated on steadying my hands before I took the envelope and carefully opened it. There was a CD inside. No note, not a single written word that could help me find out where it came from.

_What the hell are you waiting for? Put it in the CD player!_

"A little impatient, are we?" Trying to distract myself from the enormity of the situation, I smiled at the thought of "rational Bella" impatient.

_I would just like to know how crazier you've gotten._

"Really? Because I would like not to freak out so it would help if you weren't shouting what I _want_ to do. Now please, shut up while I breathe."

After a few seconds of steadying my heartbeats, I walked across the room, put the CD in the CD player on the bedside table and, after a deep breath, hit play.

"Of course," I sighed as the melody filled the room. I relaxed on the bed; it was impossible not to respond to the familiar, soothing sound.

_The lullaby. Of course. Now we've beaten the Guinness record._

"Shut up and listen." I whispered, my eyes closed, my body rocked by the familiar melody.

* * *

For the second time today, I woke up a little groggy. It was dark outside; 2:13 a.m., if my clock was right. Apparently, phase two had an effect on my night cycle as well. I rolled in my bed, and felt the wrinkling of paper under me.

Another_ surprise?_

"Apparently," I answered her with a sleepy voice.

My fingers searched franticly in the dark for a few seconds before finding what they were looking for. Turning on the light switch, I blinked once or twice, adjusting to the sudden brightness. I stood up in my bed and rubbed my eyes. I looked around, and found a little cream colored paper in the wrinkles of the sheets. For the third time today, my shaky hands reached out and grabbed the probable addition to phase two.

"Hey you, welcome to the club."

_Wow, your nonsense has no limits._

Ignoring her, I unfolded the paper.

"_Listen to your heart fly,"_ I read the words, the characters in black ink written in the elegant handwriting that was familiar.

But, instead of flying, my heart stopped.

I leaned back in my bed, my hands gripping the note, tears rolling down my cheeks, and fell back into the unconsciousness where my dreams belonged.

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I spent a lot of time debating about this one (kind of like rational and irrational Bella actually :)) so I expect a lot of reviews!

And for those who are really impatient, I have a little challenge to wait until the next chapter: the one who will find where exactly the quote from the note is in the books will earn a big fiction cookie!


	13. Slight Hope

**A.N: So the ****people who remembered what quote it was are: Hey-Hay13, CrazZy-BunNy, curx2u and xLoopiloox ! Haha here's your imaginary prize !**

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XIII. Slight hope

**Edward's POV**

The first lights of sunrise shone through the slightly open window. My gaze was still locked on Bella's angelic face, mesmerized as I was by her beauty. I still hadn't moved an inch, lying on the bed next to her; she was so close and yet so unattainable. But it didn't matter, because there was a chance that it wouldn't last for long –the unattainable part at least. My fingers were dancing along her jaw, but still a few inches away from actually touching her skin.

I heard the thoughts of my sister only seconds before she reached the open window; she was singing in her head a sweet melody.

_Bella and Edward, Bella and Edward…_

The smile spread even wider across my face. Alice came into the room, bouncier than ever:

"I knew it, I knew it! You know now, don't you?" She was singing the words rather than saying them; her walk looked more like a dance than a pace. Alice would be Alice.

I got up and walked toward her, trying to make her sit on the rocking chair.

"Shh, don't wake her up." I said as she rolled her eyes. "And to answer your earlier question, yes, now I know."

"I'll say, you can't stop smiling!" She couldn't either.

"What else can I do… She loves me." My eyes flew to Bella again as I said these wonderful words slowly. Saying them out loud tasted like heaven. I sat on the edge of the bed, facing my sister but my thoughts directed toward Bella.

"I saw it in a vision before I left yesterday. That's how I let you convince me so easily." A mischievous Alice grin stretched her face. Of course she had seen it, I thought. How else could I have convinced her? But on the other hand, I had been avoiding her thoughts yesterday, because I had thought she would have tried to trick me into believing her with an artificial vision. Apparently, I was wrong –on the artificial part.

"You don't have to tell me how it happened, I have been watching you during my hunting trip. But I would be more than interested to know what your intentions are now." She was trying not to get too… Alice-y; she had a sixth sense when it came to knowing how to talk to people. But this was one of the rare times she took it in consideration.

"Well…" I hesitated, not knowing whether or not to tell her. I didn't want her to scream and wake Bella up, revealing us –not when everything could go smoother.

"Edward, I'm dying here."

"You don't see it in your visions?" I teased her.

"Oh stop it. You know I can only catch a few glimpses right now; your mind keeps changing. Now tell me before I go crazy –but I must warn you, if you don't go back to her of your own free will, then…"

"Calm down, dear sister. I love you, I really do, but if you start threatening me then it might take my focus off trying to figure out a way to tell her that I'm here and that I love her." There, I said it. I watched her carefully, fearing a too pixie reaction. With reasons.

"My brother's tiny brain is no longer useless!" She nearly screamed –vampire speaking, of course, but still loud enough for human ears to hear- and jumped from her chair. She was now dancing in Bella's room, but my angel hadn't even stirred in her peaceful sleep.

"Thank God," I whispered.

Alice had probably mistaken my statement for some kind of gratefulness for not being "that" stupid, but she ignored it. She came back toward me dancing and sat next to me on the edge of the bed.

"Now, let's talk strategy." She was serious.

"What? No, Alice, I'm going to do this my way," I said before she could protest, considering she was dying to. "I just have to figure out what _is_ my way now." I added, grumbling.

She weighed the pros and cons about disagreeing, and then decided to listen to me –apparently.

"Then what _have_ you thought about?" she told me, burning me with her gaze.

"Do I really need to share? I mean this is between me and Bella…" I didn't want Alice to involve herself too much in this, I felt like it was something I needed to figure out on my own.

"Yes but I could help you. Just so you don't come on too strongly."

"Of course I won't. I mean, looking at her, I realize I can be a cause of…"

"Massive destruction, you can say it," she stated lightly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I glared at her. "Go on," she said.

"Well, I don't know…" I got up and started pacing across the room, keeping my footsteps light and my voice low –even if I was a vampire, I didn't want to take any chances. "I don't want something too direct, first I need her to start… remembering, let's say. So I thought about bringing back to the surface a memory of how it_ used_ to be; it's the most innocent thing I can think of." I paused and scrutinized her. She spoke slowly.

"Well, your brain is definitely back on track," she said with another smile. "That's not bad at all, very mature, I would say. You've thought this through," she said as she looked up to meet my eyes.

"What, am I supposed to be flattered of something?" I said sarcastically.

"Well yes," she said in the same tone.

"Alice, for this to work, for me to be able to talk to you about this, I need you to _not_ treat me like a five-year-old for a minute."

"I'm not!" Perfect poker face, but she didn't fool me. I threw her a meaningful look. "Well, considering this area, you kind of are," she added in a lower voice.

"Alice!" I said, annoyed and indignant. I wasn't particularly mad at her, but it was just the brother-sister side resurfacing. It didn't often because we were both more than a hundred years old, but I didn't like it when she thought of me as a child. Especially when it had anything to do with Bella.

"Now you're making us both look like five-year-olds."

I sighed. "Just don't think of me as a child for a few minutes. Because I can't do this if you do."

"Okay, I'm sorry for the tiny brain comment but seriously, how could you not have seen this for so long?" Was she really going to bring this up again?

"Alice, don't judge until one day, you're in the same situation. And you know you'll never be so just think, just imagine what it's been like for me. And if you can, then try to hear me out. But if you can't then I guess you can go straight home."

We both looked at each other from across the room for a few moments. If looks could kill, I didn't think anyone would have survived, not even with vampire skills.

Bella interrupted our spat by stirring and murmuring unintelligible words. It surprised me, because ever since she had gotten her peaceful sleep back, she hadn't said another word than my name in her sleep –even though she used to say all sorts of things in her sleep before. However, we both got out the window before she opened her eyes.

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We were silently walking in Bella's backyard. We were still quite mad at each other, and it didn't please me to see that, instead of figuring out a way to get the love of my existence back, I was here being immature and petty toward my sister. I could feel Alice's burning gaze on the shape of my neck and hear in her head all the questions that were driving us both insane. I stopped and looked at her.

"Okay, that's it," she said.

"What?"

"We both have a lot of questions on our mind, only yours are directed to Bella and I want to see what happens next so just… Go see her okay? But you'll have to tell me your 'strategy' after."

"Well then you'll have to stop treating me like I'm a child."

"Oh just go already."

I directed myself toward the kitchen window; of course, Alice was hot on my heels. She never surrendered, I thought with a sigh.

As I had seen her many times lately, Bella was sitting at the kitchen table, apparently struggling with some kind of dilemma. She was staring at the old clock. Suddenly, she looked away, looking almost disappointed; but I couldn't trust my instincts to read her anymore, her expressions had become unfamiliar to me now.

_I have no idea how he managed that kind of stillness and proximity for months. I couldn't have if it were Jasper._

Alice's 'voice' was sad as she thought these words. I didn't want to show her I had heard them.

Suddenly, Bella looked around the room, as if someone had called out her name. She went back to her earlier position, her eyebrows pulled together.

"Maybe I do, but it's still the most rational explanation." Her voice echoed through the complete silence.

I turned to Alice, my look more than puzzled.

"What was _that_?"

She looked even more surprised than I was.

"I have absolutely no idea," she breathed in a whisper.

"Well then, why don't _you_ find another explanation?" Bella spoke again acidly.

Once more, I turned to look at Alice, but she silently shushed me.

Lots of expressions crossed Bella's face. Surprise, some kind of… disappointment (?) and relief were the only ones I caught.

"Do you _mind_? I'm trying to think here. And if you _are_ only a product from _my _subconscious, then you're crazy too."

'A product from my subconscious'. Well, at least we had a clue now. Finally, something rational.

_Her subconscious… So apparently she's basically talking to herself. Thank god it's not some kind of imaginary Ed…_

Alice suddenly realized I had been listening and met my gaze with a slightly panicked expression.

"Ahem. Wow, look at her go," she said as Bella suddenly jumped from her seat and ran upstairs.

"Don't try to distract me, what were you about to think?"

"I… Oh no you won't get in." And there she was, singing _Starlight_ in her head. I sighed and directed my eyes toward the house again. Bella was already on her way back; she picked an apple and got out. I went around her house, and followed as her… car, let's call it, 'sped' down the path.

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"I'm only saying that it _would_ be a good idea! You both had a nice time that night, and she looked beautiful in it." We were in Bella's room, Alice sitting on the bed and me pacing. She was still trying to persuade me.

"I told you, I don't think it has a deep, profound meaning for her. I think I can find best to remind her of how it used to be than the dress you forced her into to go to prom!" It was crystal clear to me that this was _not_ the answer, but clearly not to Alice.

"It was the first time you had fun after we came back from Phoenix, and I remember I heard some of your conversation when you were outside. She looked beautiful, and with the moonlight and the candles it was… magical. Come on, how can you not consider it?" She was actually serious.

"This night _was_ magical, but not perfect –with this Jacob guy showing up to 'warn' her, and with her asking me to change her… And I'm _not_ going to declare my love with a _dress_ Alice, as beautiful as she looked in it!"

"All right, let's not get too emotional over this…" She looked at me while I was waiting for her to have the epiphany. "You know what I mean," she grumbled after she remembered we were dealing with emotional issues. "Well then don't you have any other idea? You're the one who lived the moments you want her to recall so it would be good if you found the reminder you're looking for!"

I stopped pacing, sat and put my head in my hands, my eyes toward the floor. The floorboards, actually. I suddenly realized that under one of them were hidden the last proofs I had been trying to bury three months ago.

Alice saw something had changed. I could hear her suddenly concentrating on her visions, and she sighed:

"Well, if you think it'll work."

"You're the one who knows if it will," I told her as I turned my head, surprised.

"You've noticed Bella has become more and more… unpredictable. Her emotions have gone crazy since… well anyway they have, and I only see the possibilities of what _might_ happen. And let's not forget that part of my visions are based on the decisions behind them, which are located inside the mind, where Bella is protected. So in other words, I have to trust you on this."

"Good enough," I said with a grin. I got up, removed one of the floorboards and stayed still a few moments. I didn't know which one to pick.

"You might want to wait for the lullaby. I'd say the plane tickets look more harmless." She was right. I took the plane tickets, and put the floorboard back in its place. Then, we heard –well, I smelled her first actually- Bella coming home. It sounded like she was talking again. For the second time of the day, I went into the backyard and looked through the kitchen window, the tickets in my pocket.

She had started preparing Charlie's meal, and said in a light, sarcastic tone:

"Well then enlighten me." Who was she talking to? Some product of her subconscious, if what she had said earlier was true.

I could see the expression on her face become painful, and she put both her hands on the side of her face, leaning against the counter.

"Okay now stop." Her voice was very different now. A few silent seconds passed by, and then she screamed:

"Stop it!" Her eyes were sparkling; I realized it was because she was crying.

"Well sure, that too. But I'm not sad, because none of what you're saying is true! It's not… it's _not_…true." She looked so weak, so vulnerable as she fell on her knees in the middle of the kitchen. It was tearing me apart; this expression of pain that had come back to haunt her eyes, she looked so hopelessly breakable.

"You're wrong! You're lying! You know the pain won't go away, it never does- It's just there, always there, it hurts and I am done… I'm done now, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to suffer anymore I just want…peace. Is it too much to ask? A little bit of peace?" The tears were now rolling down her cheeks, she looked so exhausted, her eyes swollen but as beautiful as always.

Hearing that was… unimaginably painful. She had described out loud what _I_ had been feeling for the past few months, and yet she looked a thousand times more hurt than I thought she was. Had _I_ really done this? Did she… love me as strongly as I loved her?

No, it was impossible. She couldn't, because if she did then I would have seen that, I would _never_ have left her that way. It had all been a mistake, an unforgivable, hurting mistake; it hadn't helped her at all, and it had definitely not brought her the peace I would have given anything to offer her.

"No I won't. You know, earlier I was thinking that maybe we _do_ have something in common. But even though we're the same person, the same mind, the same body and that all of this is just me going crazy once more, there's still a line between us. Maybe that's what makes us different, the limit between you and me. Between rational Bella and irrational Bella. Maybe it's the fact that I know this is far much worse than any pain I've ever been in. That at this point, I don't have a life _to_ repair, the pieces are too small to put them back together. But you, you think I will get through this. Is_ this_ rational?"

'_I don't have a life_ _to_ _repair_, _the pieces are too small to put them back together.' _These words echoed through me like a million sharp blades. What had I done? How could I have broken her that way, why couldn't I find a way for us both to be happy? Why did I keep hurting her, the most perfect, beautiful person on Earth, the angel that only belonged to the celestial skies? Why did I keep making her suffer? Was I just the most despicable soul ever?

No, of course I wasn't. Because I didn't _have_ a soul. I was just the angel of death, the selfish, pathetic excuse of a dead man that had condemned her far before her time was due.

She was pulling herself up, her pale hands gripping the sink. Even now, even when she had spoken the words of surrender, she was far stronger than I would ever be. She was still trying, trying to stand up, to face the fear and the pain, to let the winds of loneliness whip her fragile skin. And as she had been trying to live the life I had destroyed, I had stood here, too weak to tell her the truth, watching as she struggled to even breathe. How could I even pretend to get her back now? To disrupt her entire life a second… no, a third time? Was it right for me to believe I could still make her love me, at least a fraction of how much I loved her?

I could hear the exhaustion in her voice as she whispered:

"If it's only to get false hopes, to fall one more time, than yes, it is."

She had meant the words for whatever part of herself she was struggling with, and yet it had given me the shadow of an answer. But it was all I needed.

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Review my little reviewers, review...


	14. Listen to your heart fly

**A.N: I know you think I'm making them suffer too much... But not everything is fluff and running off into the sunset, especially when it's a drama fic set in New Moon.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer.

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XIV. Listen to your heart fly

**Edward's POV**

There wasn't a doubt in my mind tht Bella was going to be quite hard to persuade about my proximity and the fact that I loved her more than ever. That certainly did not please me; first, because it meant that I hadn't had any problem convincing her with my lies in the forest, and second because I was afraid of hurting her more. How far could I go? She seemed now more breakable than ever. Maybe it wasn't the right time.

I stood up and walked quickly across her room, my fingers hesitating toward the tickets I had placed on her desk. Would I? Could I? No, of course not. I slowly retrieved my hand, not sure whether it was the right decision. But it didn't matter much; I had to try. Even if she gets hurt? I knew it was cruel to think that. Were there no limits to my selfishness? When would I stop interfering with her life? When I finally ended it? That thought sent shivers down my spine. And here I thought vampires could not; maybe she just made me human again. How could I let that go?

I was still struggling with myself when I noticed her sleep was approaching to its end. I quickly took my position, outside the window. I couldn't _not_ watch _this_; my insides were burning of anticipation. What if it was too much? What if she couldn't handle it?

_It's okay._

Of course. Alice was there, at my side. This time I was grateful; she had let me alone all night long, and now she was with me when I needed someone to reassure me. But why didn't Bella have someone like that, here when I was sure that she would need it?

She stood up in her bed and quickly walked to the bathroom. No subconscious voice yet. Anxiousness washing over me once more, I turned to my sister.

"Alice maybe this isn't the right time. You noticed how she… talks to… someone and she apparently has a lot on her mind." As I said these words, I made a move to go back into the room to get the tickets but Alice promptly stopped me.

"Edward, she'll be fine." Her voice was trembling, too.

"You don't _know_ that!" I hissed.

"Please, I'm asking you to trust me on this," she pleaded.

I relaxed my position and slowly went back to her side. Maybe I could trust her. For god's sake, they were just plane tickets!, I added in my head with a light tone. But it still sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than anything, I sadly stated.

Bella walked back into the room, and suddenly I could not concentrate on convincing myself anymore. I saw her eyes wander around the room, and they suddenly went wide.

_This is it_, Alice thought.

Bella slowly walked the few paces that separated her from the desk and stopped. She stared at the tickets for a long time and I could guess there was a storm going on inside her head.

Long, agonizing seconds ticked by, dead silence filling the room. And then, slowly, her hand reached out to grab the tickets as her other hand was franticly flying across her desk. Looking for support? For something to erase the first memory I had brought back to surface? Her heartbeat was fluttering out of control at my ears, a melody I had terribly missed. Her shaking fingers found the hard cover of a book and, opening the pages, she safely put away the tickets.

That I had not been expecting. Then again, everything about Bella was unpredictable these days; and the fact that she was the only exception to my talent didn't help.

"This is _really_ not the right time… I can't lose it now, not _now_…" she muttered under her breath. I lowered my head, as in surrender, letting out a sigh. If she wasn't even going to believe that this proof was not some product of her imagination, this was a lost battle.

She mumbled to herself again, and then opened the book once more. Contemplating the obvious truth, she sighed. "Yep, they're real and I am… fainting."

She fell to her knees and collapsed on the floor. My instincts dominating, I started climbing back into the room, but Alice's hand stopped me once more.

"She will wake up in… one hour and twenty two minutes approximately," she whispered, her words soothing.

Sure enough, an hour and a half later, Bella came back to consciousness. First, she looked at the nightstand and then her eyes set on the plane tickets again. "I need some air," she simply stated after a few minutes. She did look like she could use a little sunlight on her pallid face.

I followed her downstairs as she directed herself toward the kitchen. Sweet Bella. At least this time I didn't have to remind her to eat something after going into shock. After she threw a Pop-Tart in the toaster, she began drumming her fingers against the counter.

"I. Am. Breathing," she said; but the choked syllables hinted to the contrary.

"I can't. This _cannot_ be happening! Am I really that self-destructive? How, _how_ did they get here? This is worse than sadomasochism, this is…" Her eyes were glittering from the pearly tears that were appearing. I wanted her to believe this wasn't her fault; how could she think such a thing? How could she inflict herself so much pain? Then again, I was the one to blame. I always was, regarding Bella's suffering.

_No Bella,_ I though with all the strength I could manage in my weak mind. _No, you must believe. I'm here, I have always been. I love you and I always will. Please, you must be strong for both of us. Because I cannot even have the strength myself. Because I cannot let you go again. This is me, the selfish pathetic dead man you once fell in love with. This is me, once again, the empty soul who has lied to the most angelical creature on Earth. And as much as I hate myself, I do need you, I need you to believe for me._

But she couldn't hear. For the first time in months, I had spoken only with my heart and yet I had been too weak to say it out loud. However, there was no time for self blaming, I thought. Because I had to learn to be a better man for her. If she would ever take me back, if there was still at least an ounce of hope here.

She grabbed the Pop-Tart and ran out of the house, a flying angel fighting against the wet winds. I noticed her shaky hands were still holding the tickets tightly as she entered the dark shadows of the forest.

She sat on the ground, not too deep into the forest, and I was silently moving behind the tall shapes of the trees. As she swallowed the last of the pastry, she let out a sigh and looked up, probably trying to find the sky within the mossy trunks surrounding her. And then her words echoed through the silent forest.

"I would like to think that, but _who_ would it be? The only other people who know about this and who could have known where to find them are…" Her face suddenly fell, a phantom of torture twisting her eyes. I tried not to think about the fact that she was talking about us, that I was probably the memory that brought this expression to her face. "Don't," she then whispered.

And then her eyes slowly froze as sobs started coming out of her chest that was moving unevenly. The next words came out distorted.

"And w-what on earth m-makes you think I want t-to solve this? I mean y-yes, you're right, I don't l-like the idea that I d-don't even know how it happened, but do I r-really want to know the t-truth?"

_Yes you do, please, allow me to believe that you do… _I answered in my mind. Her breathing slowly evened and she mumbled with a slightly lighter tone:

"Now who's being irrational?"

_Please, I am here, I'm begging you to listen!_ Listen to what, I acidly added to that thought. She was struggling with herself, it wasn't as if she could hear me. I knew that if I really wanted to, I should have spoken the words out loud. But time had a better chance than rash decisions.

"And yours," she mumbled. Her expression softened. What I wouldn't give to hear what she was hearing.

There was a dead silent in the forest as she apparently gave in to one of her thoughts. And then the words were pure delight.

"… When I was on his back, and_ he_ was running through the forest."

I froze at the freedom that exuded from these words, at the way she had empathized 'he'. It had sounded like she enjoyed saying it as much as I loved thinking about her. She looked happy and grateful as she closed her eyes, and I could see that she was finishing that thought in her head.

'_And he was running through the forest.' _Did she see, behind her closed eyelids, the same memories that were rushing inside my head? The meadow, the forest, the trees that were all sparkling from the sunlight of that first beautiful day? Or the baseball field, the storm that sometimes sent flashes of lightning across the dark sky? So many happy memories, from when it was just her and me, a blur between the trees. All these times when she was on my back and I could feel the shivers on her skin from the speed, and the adrenaline in her veins. Even though it was months ago, this particular reminder seemed oddly close here, in the shadows, where it was just us once again.

Then didn't it mean that there _was _hope? Her eyes closed, the rare sunlight on her skin, the peaceful expression on her face that only appeared at nighttime, suddenly everything was full of wonderful possibilities. If this memory brought her peace, then I would stay and I would keep trying, no matter how often my attempts would fail. I vowed myself that I would do anything to bring back this expression on her face when it would be gone. To make her laugh again, carelessly, the way she did when she was with me. To light an ounce of joy in her eyes. Anything for the most delicate angel who had once offered me the most precious gift she could have given: her love.

She was very still, focusing on what I could only assume was this memory. But slowly, her expression hardened, as if she was trying to push back an unwelcomed emotion or thought and after another few seconds of concentration, a wonderful smile stretched across her face. It was the smile she usually wore when she had convinced me about something, or when she had gotten me to postpone a hunting trip.

It felt good to see her wear that expression and to think about lighter things, about small pieces of what used to be ours.

"That was the understatement of the year," she whispered, as if trying to catch her breath. The fact that she was now saying only half of what she thought felt even more disturbing than not being able to read her mind. But without that, I couldn't have understood what had made her so happy suddenly.

Well, that had gone rather well in the end. Actually it had been absolutely wonderful; I realized I was smiling, too. I should probably continue with the reminders. Reluctantly looking away, I ran to her house at vampire speed and quickly got to her room.

Alice was there, of course. She looked at me and noticed the grin on my face.

"I'm guessing now is the time for the lullaby," she stated as a vision flashed in her mind.

"I guess so," I answered. Was I actually cheerful?

Removing the floorboard, I grabbed the CD and threw a quick look around. It would be better if I hid it more subtly this time; the book she had chosen to put the tickets into seemed perfect. That way, if she were unconsciously looking for another reminder, it would be the first place she would look for. I walked to the desk and slid the CD in an envelope. Turning to Alice, I said:

"It makes sense, doesn't it?" I meant for her to check if Bella would act as I hoped. She understood.

"I guess… It looks a little blurry but I _think_," she grimaced at the use of the word, as always, "that she will put the tickets back there."

Smiling confidently, I slipped the envelope between the pages of _Sense and Sensibility_. The thrill of the emotion rising in me, I realized I hadn't felt that way for a long time.

Bella's footsteps were already echoing on the cool tiles of the kitchen. I took my usual position at the window, and looked at Alice.

"Do you mind?" I whispered. She rolled her eyes but landed in the backyard and quickly disappeared into the darkness.

Bella irrupted into the room and threw herself on the bed. I hoped this sudden hyperactivity only came from the recent rush of pleasant emotions rather than anger. I scrutinized her face and detected nothing but a wide smile and peaceful eyes. She stood up, now sitting and her eyes froze into space, as if listening to something.

She stayed still for a while, concentrated. If I wasn't wrong, she was listening to the part of her subconscious she now often talked to. It was all really confusing, but at least I was starting to recognize this expression.

Finally, her gaze flew to the plane tickets she still held. Checking if they were still here? Wondering about what to do with them? She confused me even more with a sudden slightly nervous laugh and leaned back in her bed, her hands covering the superior part of her face. She was driving me crazy now more than ever.

She broke the silence with a grumble:

"Oh what now?"

Her eyes were hidden behind her hands, which made me even less sure but it seemed like the subconscious voice was talking back. Suddenly she took her hands off her face and, opening her eyes, she said:

"Pardon me?" Her tone was surprised, amused even.

And then her eyes froze again, a million expressions crossing her face: seriousness, fear, worry, and slow relief building up. Then her eyebrows rose a little, as if in skepticism, and a reassured mask once more. Her lips then started moving, a slight dance to start with and rising into a diabolic silent song. She stayed like that for half an hour, her mouth sometimes still and the rest of the time her lips flying.

After half an hour she started concentrating more than before, eyelids closed and eyebrows pulled together. Again, there was a storm inside her head. I could read a few words on her lips that were calmer than before. _His face… His auburn hair… His pale skin…_

I could not think clearly. I was the one who brought her this smile, this expression. I loved her and she loved me. It was as simple as that.

Then how come I had managed to make it so complicated? To damage all I had once taken for granted?

"His eyes?" she said anxiously. "Don't you think it might be too much? I'm only barely rejecting the pain…"

_Remember, _I thought with my weak inner strength.

"The eyes…" she started slowly, carefully. "They were black when I met him. Thirsty. Crabby, I told him back then." I was mesmerized at this description, at how well she remembered. She laughed slightly, and I was smiling. If I could, I would have cried. "But when he came back a week after, they were gold. That was how I liked them the most, deep butterscotch. Topaz."

And then she opened her eyes. I was sure they were not like when she had closed them. The gray shade was almost insignificant, they were sparkling from the ancient happiness. It was as if she had opened them to a brand new world, as if she didn't see it the way she used to. And she laughed.

She let her new eyes wander around the room and got up, with, it seemed, a new strength. Walking to her desk, she took the book and I felt a slight anxiousness wash over me again. But it quickly faded away. She seemed ready now, more than ever.

Or maybe not, a voice in the back of my head told me.

As she discovered the envelope I had carefully left there, her hands started shaking again. She took the envelope and her fingers steadied a little. She opened it and slowly examined it.

"A little impatient, are we?" she murmured with a faint smile. That was good; I was now confident that I had done the right thing.

"Really? Because I would like not to freak out so it would help if you weren't shouting what I _want_ to do. Now please, shut up while I breathe."

So apparently she wasn't quite as calm as she seemed. That was okay, she hadn't forgotten to breathe yet, which had been one of my biggest worries.

She walked across the room and, sitting on the bed, she put the CD in the CD player. Finally, after having taken a deep breath, she hit play.

And then the lullaby I had composed for her was filling the room. It brought back so many memories I was drowning, remembering those long nights when I could hold her.

She leaned back in her bed and whispered. "Shut up and listen."

I waited outside as she drifted off to sleep. And then I knew what I had to do next.

I climbed back into her room, toward her desk. I found, under piles of books, a cream colored paper, next to a scrapbook her mom had sent her that she had never used. I had had time to know every little thing in that room; that thought was strangely combined with sadness. I found a black inked pen and sat on the wooden chair. My hand froze in mid-air, inches away from the paper.

I wanted to write only a few words, just to show her I could be her present and her future on top of her past. Something innocent, as I had told Alice. Something that she would know would be my words. Something that would make her see herself clearly through _my_ eyes.

And then I knew. The most beautiful sound I had ever heard; the one I knew I would miss the most when she had made me contemplate her desire to be one of us. The sound that was part of her in so many ways; the one that often came with her blushing, the one that I heard when she was telling me how much she loved me.

Her heart flying, fluttering like a hummingbird's wings. My hand guided me across the paper.

_Listen to your heart fly_.

And I realized it also meant that I wanted her to let it guide her, to follow its beats. To listen to its desires. It was perfect.

Folding my own heart with it, I took the little paper and approached Bella. I wanted these words to great her when she would wake up, like the sun she missed, like the rainy clouds that she had grown to accept. I safely put it between the sheets and sat in the rocking chair.

If only she awoke faster.

* * *

It was 2:13 a.m. when her eyes finally opened; I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. I watched her carefully as she rolled in her bed and felt relief when I heard the paper wrinkle. At least there was a chance she would find it fast enough.

"Apparently," she grumbled as her fingers were searching the light switch in the dark. She found it and turned it on, her eyes blinking from the brightness. She stood up in her bed and finally found the note.

"Hey you, welcome to the club," she said with a sleepy voice as she reached out to the paper. Silly Bella. She unfolded it and murmured in the dark:

"_Listen to your heart fly."_

Her voice broke. She gripped the note, leaning back in her bed. She drifted back to unconsciousness with tears scarring her cheeks. Unfortunately, I didn't know if it was immense sadness or simply a rush of exhausting emotions; inside my own head, nothing existed but Bella anymore. My sweet Bella.

The most beautiful sound I had ever heard had stopped.

* * *

**A.N: I know that chapters that you have already read, only in another POV, aren't always really exciting but these two were necessary... **

**Hope you liked it though and review people !!**

**- Euphorie**


	15. Freedom

**A.N: So, just for the record, Bella is not dead, that was just a figure of speech, she says her heart stops instead of flying in her POV, too. Sorry for the confusion :P. And I just want to say that I'm not copying The Host with rational Bella's voice: when I had that idea, I hadn't even read the book yet (it's beautiful by the way, just WHOA).**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

**XV. Freedom**

**Bella's POV**

I was wandering in the beverage department of the Thriftway, not quite paying attention to those who surrounded me. Throwing a pack of juice in my cart, I kept walking toward the counter. I distractedly looked at the content of my cart: rice, Cheetos, pasta, sugar, milk and grape juice. I had only picked the first things I was vaguely aware were missing in the kitchen. Realizing Mrs. Weber was smiling at me from across the water shelf, I returned the polite grin.

The note in my pocket felt as warm as if it were burning a hole through it; I hadn't let it out of my sight for a week now. Since I had first found it buried between my bed sheets, actually.

It had been a week since I had felt what it was like when someone cared for me, since I had changed my mind about certain things.

After that night, I had woken up to the lovely colors of a real sunrise flooding through my window. Then I had noticed the note that I still held in a death grip and the memories had rushed back; the memories of that day, when I had finally been freed from the pain. The precious note had not had one of the effects I was worried were going to result from it. Instead, I carried it around like a charm, like the very first testimony of my sudden relief. During that night, somewhere along in the middle of my dreams, in the midst of this sweet unconsciousness, I had begun hoping.

Not really hoping, but something between the end of despair and the fact that I deserved to believe. I did not care that this was crazier than anything I had ever experienced; I did not even care about the difference between reality and my desires anymore. If it was only an illusion that I was creating for myself, if all of this was just a proof that I had gone crazier than ever, then all I could think was that it didn't matter. Let the illusion continue. It was too exhilarating, too temptingly delicious to let go.

Yes, despite all that hinted to the contrary, against all logic, I had begun hoping that he was here. In my thoughts, in this town, what was the difference? As long as I foolishly created the illusion that he cared for me, none of the rational facts mattered. Of course I was still in phase two; what other explanation was there? But this was a sweet version of phase two, tinted with hope and belief. Stupid, but at this point, why would I stop?

"Hello," a warm voice greeted me from across the counter. A girl, probably my age, was smiling at me as she was scanning the groceries; BETTY was written on her tag.

"Hi," I said with another weak smile. I was surprised at how unusual human contact seemed to me now. Didn't I live with my father? It wasn't as if he were the one to keep me connected to the living world though, scared as he was of my current state. I believed he had heard me talking to rational Bella once or twice after coming home from work. Poor Charlie.

As I was driving home, I looked at the lights that sent strange halos on the streets, in the dark sky. It was nice; during the night, things seemed to take another sense, we couldn't see the town the same way we did in the daylight, when everything was too clear.

I got home and unloaded the groceries. I started preparing dinner and imagined the amused expression Edward would have worn if he were there, watching me "hunt".

My hands froze in mid air, my whole body stayed still for long, dragging seconds. After a few moments, my head started feeling dizzy and I realized I hadn't been breathing. I caught my breath and steadied my heartbeats as I realized I had thought the unthinkable. His name had popped in my mind, without my permission.

_Silly, you're the one controlling your thoughts as far as I know._

"I… No, I can't control what _you_ tell me," I answered. As a reflex, I unconsciously waited for the pain to come. But there was none; there hadn't been for a week.

_There shouldn't be, this is the right thing. To stop avoiding what you must think about is not against nature, you know._

"But I… I mean I thought his name. I have gone farther in sadomasochism than I ever have and yet there is not an ounce of pain. How come it has hurt for so long each time the littlest, most innocent thing slipped in my mind, and suddenly it's all gone?" I asked, mesmerized by the sudden freedom I felt. Not that I complained; even with my memories, I had been careful about everything I thought up until now. But there were no more barriers anymore; a whole new kind of liberty.

_Maybe that's what it feels like to hope._

I stared into space, deep in thoughts, and started worrying about how far my new freedom could lead me. Did I really want this, after all? Because if this was believing, what if my hopes got crushed –as I was sure they would? What if this was just something that would hurt even more than any other, afterwards? What if it was just like a time bomb, the ones that explode the minute you turn your back?

And then I realized that, like so many things regarding this, it didn't matter. I didn't care, as long as I could think what I wanted to without being afraid of repercussions. It just didn't matter.

The sound of Charlie coming home interrupted the trail of my thoughts; I went back to dicing the tomatoes. I heard his careful footsteps as he approached the kitchen, and he appeared at the door frame.

"Hey," I said. I turned to look at him and saw surprise –closer to shock- on his face. He opened his mouth once or twice without a sound, like a fish, I thought amused, and answered carefully. "Hi." After the surprise wore off, a grin appeared on his lips.

"What are we eating?" he asked.

"Steaks, tomato salad and potatoes," I said with a small smile. I was glad to see that he saw a change –a positive change- in my attitude. I placed the salad on the table along with everything else and sat as he hung his belt. He took his seat and started eating; I decided I should show him I was going to try now.

"So how was work?" I asked. I realized it had been a long time since I had tried to talk to him. I had no idea how _he_ was doing now; how self centered could I be?

"Slow," he answered between two bites. "Not a lot going on these days, but with the winter break approaching, I'm going to keep an eye on the teenagers. Never know if they get bored without homework and decide to have fun their own way."

"Oh yes, last year they 'redecorated' the Christmas tree on Main street and they organized an eggs and flour fight at the mall, right?" I asked, remembering the 'juvenile delinquent' wave, as the people of Forks had called it. In Phoenix, that kind of thing happened once a week.

"To name a few," he grumbled. "So how was your day?"

"Well… slow, too. School was okay, and I bought groceries." This felt weird; standing in the kitchen and talking about buying groceries. It felt so… normal, so irrelevant. But that was small talk, right?

We ate in silence for a few minutes, but it wasn't an awkward silence. Actually, for me it was the most comfortable silence in… months. This was the first time in a while that it didn't involve 'maybe-she's-really-crazy' occasional glances. Charlie spoke again, more carefully this time.

"So… how have you been?" The bite I had taken stayed stuck in my throat and I had to take a little water to swallow. His eyes were scrutinizing my face. We both knew what that question really meant, and I was not ready to have this conversation. Not yet.

"I… You know what Dad, I have a paper due tomorrow," I lied, "and I haven't finished it yet so…" I stood up and put my dishes in the sink. "I… I'm sorry, I'll do the dishes tomorrow but I had forgotten…" And I raced upstairs, not wanting to spend one more minute with that question hanging in the air now full of tension.

Bursting into my room, I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes tight. I could not go farther than small talk with Charlie, it was beyond my fragile limits. If I opened up to someone, to anyone for that matter, I would… break. There would be no more hoping, no more believing, no more illusions. Because I would realize as I would speak my despair that none of it made sense; that I was already lost, doomed. And it was something I had to avoid by all means.

In fact, I didn't even _have _to open up to anyone; I mean who would be bothered by my insanity or my hopeless illusions, besides me? Who would _care_? No one was getting hurt –well, except me.

These questions kept rushing into my head, and to some I found answers. To others, rational Bella sometimes did. But in the end, I simply realized that none of them made sense, questions or answers, wonderments or hypothesis, wishes or worries. In the end, it was just me; me and my other me, the only voice who spoke the truth. _My_ truth at least. It was all I needed.

_No, it's not_, she said, sadness flowing in her voice.

Truth again. I _did_ need one other thing. It was the one thing that would make all the difference, that would change my world once more, that would mend my broken pieces. It was him. _Edward_, I thought with delight.

I got up and went into the bathroom. The hot water took the tension off my body, and I relaxed a little. Getting out, I changed into my pajamas –actually, it was more a holey shirt and grey pants, as always- and went back into my room; it was already dark outside. For the seventh night in a row, I switched the light off, hit play on the CD player and buried myself in the sheets with the note gripped tightly in my hand.

I closed my eyes to the sweet notes of my lullaby, and, as I had done every other night for the past week, I imagined him lying next to me and humming it himself. I had somehow found a particle of the peace I had been seeking for so long.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up at 8:00; I didn't want to sleep in. Unfortunately, I got into the kitchen as Charlie was eating breakfast. I mumbled a quick "Good morning" and ate my cereal as fast as I could. Maybe I was overreacting, but I didn't want him to have a chance to bring the conversation of yesterday again. Thankfully, he respected my desire to be silent again and left for work quickly.

I didn't want to stay in the house either today; I got dressed and climbed into my truck. I wandered a little, and realized I only wanted to get away. Somewhere out of town, somewhere quiet and calm. Maybe in a forest, or near the babbling of a river; somewhere where I would be as lost as I felt.

I drove out of the limits of Forks and directed myself toward LaPush. But I went around the tiny reservation; I didn't want to be near anyone. Edward was with me, in my thoughts, and I didn't need more.

I remembered a little cliff, where I used to go with Charlie during my childhood summers and started driving around, trying to find it again. It had been so long since I had gone to that cliff, which meant only harmless memories could be remembered there. But it was the most perfect place I could think of.

Fortunately, I only had to wander for half an hour before I recognized the tiny path that led there; I followed it and got out of my truck.

It was exactly as I remembered it: the vegetation gone wild that created a forest, the multi colored pebbles on the cliff, the crashing waves of the sea that echoed far under it. I began slowly pacing, the wind whipping my hair, my skin.

_What are we doing here?_

"I don't know," I said after a few seconds. I really didn't; but on the other hand, I had no idea what I had been doing for a long time. It had nothing to do with what I had once called living.

_Then go home,_ her soothing voice advised.

"Home? What home exactly?" I answered, louder this time. "I don't _have_ a home! Not anymore anyway. The place that used to be home is now empty. Empty of life. Charlie's avoiding me, with reasons, and it's… it's just not home anymore. Nothing here or anywhere else is, not without him around."

We both knew I wasn't talking about Charlie anymore, but while I was able to think Edward's name, I couldn't bring myself to say it yet, and neither could she.

_You know that's not true. As long as you have someone caring for you, you have somewhere to go to._ But even her 'voice' denied her words; they were too weak to be true.

"No, I don't," I grumbled. There was a silence, and then her voice was almost broken. Was it possible to cry inside?

_What happened? I mean I thought… I thought we were doing well now. At least, better._

"I thought so too, but I guess the time bomb was meant to explode someday. I'm not lying to myself anymore. Yes, the memories, the name, they've all come back without pain. But that doesn't mean I'm still going to keep _living_ this, am I?"

She stayed silent, and, ignoring my question, she asked again:

_Then what are we doing here?_

"I don't _know_!" I screamed, tears in my eyes. "I needed to come here to… maybe to scream… O-or to cry… Or to jump."

I froze, and it seemed that everything around me had, too. I had only said what had first come into my mind, but I was still the one who had said it, whose mouth had let them escape. And yet it felt like a stranger had spoken those words. The words which strangely felt comforting at the moment –but they shouldn't, right? I mean how could talking about my near possible death be… comforting?

Perhaps it was comfort from suddenly realizing that this could be the end. The end of everything; because, if the memories and the hopes faded away with me in the dark waters, than all the pain and suffering would, too.

There was no sound but the waves crashing against the cliff and the wind in the leaves.

_You… You wouldn't._

"I've got nothing to lose,' I answered in a hard voice. Was it me who had said this? Why was I even talking about something that I couldn't –that I wouldn't- do?

Maybe because I was even more desperate and broken than I had realized. Maybe because here, where time seemed to stand still, where there was no one but me and my illusions, everything took a different meaning.

_Charlie? Renée? Think of what you would be putting them through just because of one irrational impulse. This is not you._

"Maybe it hasn't been me for a while," I answered coolly. "And why are you suddenly so confused and panicked, when you're the one who's supposed to always be rational and calm?" I wondered.

_Because you're considering suicide right now! I don't see how you could look at this with any different perspective!_

"Suicide? Who says I'm going to kill myself?" I asked innocently.

_Err... Hello? You said "Maybe I came here to jump", and then "I've got nothing to lose". And just a minute ago you were wondering why you were thinking about death. And by the way, how many people jump from cliffs just for the thrill of it?_

"Plenty, I'm sure," I answered, sarcasm heavy in my voice. "It looks like a fun Sunday swim."

_Now, don't joke with that. This is utterly absurd; if you're only kidding around, then you better just go home. You don't _want_ to jump, and you don't _want_ to die._

"Maybe I don't, but it's not like I was planning on 'living' this way much longer."

_Please look at this with a little perspective for one minute. You… You're considering jumping off a cliff because… Because he…_ She trailed off as she was, I was sure, realizing it made more sense than anything. Tears of frustration in my eyes, I felt a strange emotion build in me. Desperation? Sadness? Anger. More than anything, I identified anger. But why? It wasn't anger at her so much at myself; which still didn't make a big difference.

"Say it! _Say his name!_," I yelled, detaching every syllable, my hand balled into fists. I needed to scream my pain; I had kept too much inside for too long.

_I can't,_ she whispered.

I slowly came to a stop, facing the beautiful, dark sea.

"Coward," I grumbled. It was all I could say.

_Just as much as you are._

She wasn't exactly right: _I _could at least think it. But her whispered thoughts were her only voice.

I sat at the end of the cliff, and started rocking back and forth, keeping silent for a long time. The wind was whispering in my ears, and twisting in my hair as well. Everything here was beautiful, from the colored pebbles to the highest leaf in the trees, from the angry waves to the peaceful bird's melody. When I spoke again, my voice was only a murmur.

"You know, somehow I thought there would be a small change today. As I was driving here, I thought –I hoped… I was hoping that this," I motioned toward the cliff, the sea, the gorgeous scenery, "would give me the complete peace I need." I was crying silently, fighting against the sobs.

_There _has_ been a change. Hope, with which you have already found a little peace._

"I know, but… I was looking for something –something more. I guess it was pretty stupid," I said with a tiny smile. "It was foolish, but I thought I deserved that. Or at least I thought there would be some kind of miracle… I guess I just don't deserve it, after all. I already had my miracle, my shooting star, my meteor. But I didn't deserve any of the wonderful moments he gave me to begin with and I earned a lifetime of misery for that. After all, his love for me has always been incomprehensible, a pathetic mystery, so I had it coming.

"But I am… beyond grateful for every second he granted me and for each smile with which he surely pitied me. I've tasted heaven, it was meant to hurt like hell afterwards." Another weak smile stretched my mouth.

I let the silence take over once more; the sound of the crashing waves felt strangely tempting now. I leaned closer to watch them rise and fall, closer and closer until I was lying on the very end of the cliff. As I did so, I curiously imagined what it would be like to fall, to feel the wind so strong on my skin, to see the dark sea come dangerously closer, fast and deadly. All I could think of was an exhilarating freedom; I didn't think about the odds of hitting the rocky wall before penetrating the water, about the possible drowning or the fight against the current.

But I simply couldn't. I didn't think there would, but it seemed there was still a particle of sense of self-preservation in my genes. I sighed and, deciding I had already sucked up all the beauty I could find here, I got up. I faced the sea one more time, admiring its apparently silent nature when I could hear the strong and certainly deadly waves far under me. It was a lot like me; the incredible fight under a calm, almost dead looking appearance.

I turned around, but my klutziness made me stumble over a pebble. A large one, the kind that, even when you're normally composed, makes you fall bad. And so I did.

Of course, I did not fall _on_ the cliff, on the dirt and other pebbles, where I would only get a few cuts and scrapes –well, it was me so I would have probably ended up with a broken leg at least. No. I fell _from_ the cliff.

As soon as I felt the ground disappearing from under my feet, a strange mix of emotions washed over me.

First, because of course, I was still human apparently, there was fear. Fear as I realized that those could be my last seconds on Earth. Fear as I saw the water, darker than ever, approaching at an alarming speed.

Then there was some sort of relief. I knew I wouldn't have jumped from my own will, but now it was easier to fall thinking it was an accident. Thinking that, if I died, I would not have caused pain to Charlie and Renée on purpose.

Third, I started forgetting about the rest and felt the adrenaline, the exhilaration. The high. The pure and simple high. It was better than I had imagined it –far, far better.

But mostly, after the few seconds during which I had identified these three dominating emotions, I felt even higher. Because in the midst of all that, my illusions gave me the most beautiful one ever: I heard the musical, velvety voice my heart had ached for. But it wasn't the whisper I remembered, it was a scream, the beautiful scream that made me believe even harder that he still cared.

"_NO!"_

And then, as I felt the cold waves swallow my feet, my legs, my chest, as I felt my whole body sinking inexorably, an icy marble hand grabbed mine.

**

* * *

**

A.N: Oh man... You're going to kill me, aren't you?


	16. Saved

**XVI. Saved**

**Bella's POV**

The water kept swallowing me, its cool swirling contortions violently attacking my limbs. But the icy, hard hand that held mine in a death grip didn't let me go; after its fingers searched mine, another hand grabbed my left arm and then I felt both hard arms around my waist pressing me against a stone chest.

It was too good to be true: it had to be another illusion. My subconscious seemed to have gained such strength I could now recreate the feeling of his arms, his hands, his fingers –his _touch_. And as I kept sinking into the dark waters, I couldn't help but realize this was the most beautiful moment in months; it made the drowning of sounds and colors reassuring, as if I knew I would see the bright light in a matter of seconds.

I didn't know if I was being dragged down or pushed toward the surface – I didn't even care. Well, if this was death, than it was far more merciful than life; maybe it meant I'd prefer to keep sinking. But I could never go against these arms; all I could do was follow their reassuring coldness and reminisce what they had once brought me.

But after a few moments it became obvious that they were dragging me toward the surface: the lights, the colors became more distinguishable, the sounds of birds singing and waves crashing erased little by little the intimidating, absolute silence of the sea depths. My head finally emerged from the water and I gasped for air, even though I hadn't realized that oxygen had been missing from my lungs. Then I rested my head against what felt like a shoulder; I still hadn't opened my eyes since I had fallen. Letting the current and my illusion drag me back to shore, I focused on inhaling and exhaling slowly.

Then my feet slightly hit the sand and the tiny pebbles, and his arms lifted me up as we –well, I, right? - kept advancing on the beach. I could hear his voice whisper now, as beautiful as I remembered his last scream.

"Bella… Come on Bella…" The words were distorted, as choked.

What was happening? How could I imagine something that felt as real as that? Of course I didn't consider the stupid possibility that this might not be an illusion. No, it was me, that I was sure of.

He let me softly lie on the beach, his cold hands –the unreal hands that I was _imagining_ were cold, I corrected myself the way I soon rephrased every other thought- caressing my cheeks.

"Bella please… Bella open your eyes, tell me you're here… Say something, anything… Please, open your eyes!" he urged in a confused order. Deciding, somewhere in the depths of my reasoning, that I wanted to look, to verify it was real –well, real to _me_ at least, if that made any sense-, I slowly opened my eyelids.

He was there, as perfect and god like as always. Adonis in all of his beauty. This illusion was so much stronger, had so much more consistency in it than the others that it made my fingers burn at the idea of touching this perfectness to verify it was real –but I repressed my desire, knowing that unfortunately, it was not.

"Oh my…! Oh!" I said in shock, forcing myself to look away. It was a lot, almost too much to bear. I put my hand onto my closed eyes, burning this image in my retinas.

"Oh, did I scare you? I'm so sorry, this wasn't how it was supposed to happen… I didn't mean to jump after you, you know –I mean I did when I saw you were going to but… Are you all right? Do you feel nauseous? Do you want to go to the hospital? I'll call an ambulance right now if you want…" he rambled on franticly, worry heavy in his velvety voice – the voice I thought I would never be able to recreate as well as it was now.

This was so confusing. First of all, he was another product of my out-of-control subconscious, right? Just like rational Bella, I was guessing. So how come his voice rang at my ears, as if he were really here, instead of echoing in my head like my oh-so-rational other me?

And there was something else, quite an important something else. Rational Bella was inside my head too, so she knew everything I thought and felt. Then how come the few words I had understood from this worried monologue were mainly questions about my health –which was, mentally speaking, at a critical state-, when he, as rational Bella, should have known already?

I decided to stop wondering about twisted mysteries that would not easily be solved and concentrate about this musical voice that, to my immense satisfaction, filled the air around me. So, after having taken a deep breath, I removed my hands and looked at him. He was more beautiful than ever, magnificent in a graceful way. But it did not please me to see worry lines form on his forehead as he kept asking me silly questions such as whether or not I would _like_ to go to the hospital. However, I kept my mouth shut and listened to his delusional voice worry and care about me.

As I traced each and every one of his traits with my eyes, an even stranger feeling than the one I had felt while falling washed over me. It was a mixture of unlimited happiness and the realization at how absurd this situation was, of the fact that I was lying on a beach alone, and yet imagining that this perfect creature was talking to me and had saved me from certain drowning.

"… But how, _how_ could you have even considered this? You… You kept me a promise, the promise that you wouldn't be reckless and stupid. And if cliff-diving doesn't fall in either one of those categories in your way of thinking, than please tell me, _what does?_"

Realizing that this one might not be a rhetorical question, I took a deep breath, terrified at the idea that I may shatter this delusion with my voice.

"Well…" The words took time before making their way through my brain. "These two _used_ to, but it… it was an accident! I-I promise! And… well, if _this…_ is what I get for falling… or jumping off a cliff, then… then I might as well continue!" It was getting harder and harder for me to word this now because, on top of the shock after seeing him as real as he seemed, I was starting to shake with… laughter?

Yes, definitely laughter. As I looked up to see confusion paint his traits, I started laughing, louder and louder.

This was so utterly _absurd_! He wasn't real, he was just a product of my imagination, and his perfectly mentally recreated features were there to witness at how much I was _insane_!

I couldn't stop laughing now, and I managed to gasp:

"You're… not… _real_!" And I burst into another roar of laughter.

_Exactly_, rational Bella said, amused by the absurdness as well.

He seemed more and more confused, but he sighed and lifted me up once more. We walked toward the cliff and I closed my eyes again; but I could suddenly feel the wind on my skin so much harder than the second before that, if all of this were true, I would have thought we were running at vampire speed. I shook my head slightly; I was going so crazy that I knew I didn't have to ask myself that many practical questions anymore, knowing that 'phase two' would probably always be the answer.

"You know…" I started saying, my face buried between his shoulder and his jaw. A grin appeared on his face as he asked:

"What?"

"Well, I was just thinking about how you look more real to me now than before."

"Before?"

"You know, when I had to imagine you being with me. Now it's natural. The high of the fall is _nothing_ compared to this. I'm lucky I'm so crazy that you're _this_ present now. I… I don't want to stop having delusions because then you'll go away, and I'll go back to being… empty. Or worse, there could be a phase three that would really make me realize that this is all in my head. I don't want this to happen. I'm… happy now." I giggled again.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered.

"Hah!" I snorted. "You don't know that because _I_ don't know that." I paused. "By the way, where am I going?"

"I'm taking you home."

"So in other words I'm taking myself home. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you seem to be as rational as rational Bella," I distractingly stated. He started slowing, and I opened one eye to see that I was on the path I had taken with my truck. There was another silhouette near the antique Chevy, pacing back and forth; we approached and I stated with delight that my craziness had brought me another delusional representation of the people I missed the most.

"Alice!" I squealed. She ran toward me, apparently worried, too.

"Oh my god Bella are you okay? I cannot believe you jumped off the cliff! Are you feeling dizzy? Edward she looks pretty bad, we should take her to the hospital…"

"Shh," I cut her. "I don't need a torturous trip to the ER, and even my subconscious should know that. Now tell me how come you're here. Oh that's right, it's my head that brought you."

She hesitated for a few seconds, and asked: "Are you sure you feel fine?"

"Fine? I'm better than fine! I am great. In fact, I am _loving _this!" I started laughing again. "I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be that crazy!"

I could read confusion and surprise on her lovely face. "What? Edward, is she… _drunk_?"

"No," he answered, his face serious. "It seems Bella thinks we are some product of her imagination." She looked even more confused as I gasped again between my giggles:

"You're not _real_!"

"Oh my…" she sighed. "All right let's take her home."

She opened the passenger door of my truck but I protested, still in Edward's arms.

"But who is going to drive if I'm not?"

"Well, obviously I am," Edward answered.

"But you're not… real or material enough to handle the wheel."

"I'll manage," he told me as he slid me in the passenger seat. I wanted to prove him he couldn't, even though he had already heard my 'reason', but as soon as my head hit the car seat I realized how exhausted I was. I fell asleep quickly, still wet in my clothes but with a wide smile on my face as the mirage I had created for myself held my hand tightly.

* * *

I woke up back 'home', in my bed. Slightly opening my eyes to my room in an upside down image, a memory that I felt was important tried to creep into my hazy mind. I closed my eyes tightly, pressed my hands on my face and concentrated, trying to remember it.

"Bella?" a voice murmured. But not any voice; the voice that had only been slowly coming back into my thoughts for a week, the velvet musical voice that I thought I would never hear again.

_Silly, you're not hearing it, you're imagining it._

"Right," I said, as if catching my breath. I carefully turned my head to look on the other side of the bed and there he was. The way he lay on the mattress seemed so real, so natural and regular, a perfect collage my mind had successfully executed.

And then I remembered everything: the cliff, the fall, the new perfect illusions, the latest record my craziness had led me to. I smiled and said:

"Hi." We were both lying on the bed, face to face –so in other words I was lying alone in my bed, facing no one and talking to nobody. However, through my eyes I 'saw' him grinning, too.

"Do you still believe I'm not real?" he whispered.

"You should know that, you're inside my head after all. To answer clearly, no I don't because you're not." I answered, and started to giggle again.

"You're wrong," he replied. "Why do you keep laughing, love? Am I really that ridiculous?" His smile froze a little.

"No… Of… course… you're not!" I answered between gasps. Dang it, if I kept laughing like that then at least I'd have to find a way to speak normally. "I… don't know why, you tell... me!" Okay, that was better. I tried to repress the laughter and to breathe evenly. Then I spoke again:

"I don't know… Maybe it's because I look so absurd, talking to no one… And yet believing somewhere inside that this could be real." I was serious now. Yay for the mood swings. I looked into his eyes, trying to search the reaction I knew was going to escape. I knew my Edward well enough to recreate his exact expressions and protests. At first I saw nothing; but then he opened his marble mouth and I detected sadness and self-blaming.

"It _is_ real, Bella honey. I don't know if you really want to believe that I'm not here or if you want to forget everything, but it is real." He was pained; how could he be sad about my possible rejection? And _how_ could he think I'd reject him? I had to handle my subconscious.

"Err what's the problem rational me? Could you tell them to stick to the original script and to not go all fiction on me please? He could not possibly think I'd want him not to be here. I thought I had kept it all fresh in the memories; I hope that section wasn't damaged by the cliff diving." I said out loud. If anyone heard me I was sure I'd hear the asylum ambulance siren in a matter of minutes.

I turned to Edward, and saw his eyes scrutinizing my face; but, weirdly enough, he didn't look afraid or seriously concerned.

"Hum… An internal conversation, I suppose?" he asked after a few seconds. I smiled.

"Well, you should know."

We stayed in silence for a while, looking at each other, his hand playing with my hair the way it used to. I was so grateful that I was able to feel his touch, to talk to him and to have him answer me, like it would have been if he were real. I decided that, for a few moments, I would try to act as if he were, just as test. It was harmless, right?

_Not exactly, _she said. But it sounded more like a statement than a real negation; I could hear in her voice she wasn't disapproving, either.

Suddenly, I heard my stomach grumble.

"Lunch time, apparently," he said while chuckling.

I got up and went to the door. Hearing he wasn't following me, I turned and said:

"Well, aren't you coming?"

"Do you want me to?" I looked at him as if he were missing something and walked across the room. Taking both of his hands in mine, I said:

"You're my illusion, my craziness, all mine. So I'd say it shows how much I want you to." After exaggerating consideration to this thought, he got up, too and, as in surrender, sighed:

"Then I guess I'm your prisoner." And, gently, he leaned in and kissed my forehead.

* * *

As we were going downstairs, I heard Edward suddenly whisper "Oh no." But before I could ask him about it, I heard loud footsteps right outside the house and within seconds, Charlie was on the threshold, hanging his vest near the door.

"Hi Dad," I said cheerfully. Oh my god, I was cheerful. He turned to me, a little surprised I guess, and started to say:

"Oh hi Bells…" But then his eyes froze and locked on a spot behind me. His face turned various shades as I stared at him in confusion, and I enumerated them in my head. White, green, yellow, red… White. It looked like we had come full circle.

"YOU!" he shouted. Startled, I stuttered:

"What? Dad, it's me… I… What's wrong?" I turned to look at the spot he was staring at, and saw nothing but Edward, who he evidently could not see.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE?! GET OUT, AND NEVER CROSS MY THRESHOLD AGAIN!" His finger was stabbing an invisible spot and I was starting to get frightened.

"B-but Dad… I live here!" I said.

"NOT YOU! HIM!" Again, I turned around, but it was obvious he was talking about Edward. How could he know? Was he having delusions too?

Finally, Edward spoke, both his hands hanging in the air, like when a cop arrests you. Coming to think of it, it would be quite appropriate if he weren't directly shipped from Dreamland.

"Charlie, please listen to me…"

"What are you doing?" I asked, even more confused than before. "He can't hear you, he can't even see you!" Or could he?

But Edward ignored me. "I know you're mad out of your mind, and you have every reason to be."

"YOU BET I DO!" Charlie almost spit. Edward slowly walked towards him, and he pulled him aside, in the living room. Too paralyzed to move, I just stood in the middle of the staircase.

From what I could see, Edward was trying to calm my father down. This was _really_ confusing: Charlie was supposed to be alone in that living room, to not see Edward, to not hear him! How come he did then?

Deciding I needed to seat down, I went into the kitchen and sat at the wooden table. I tried to catch a few coherent phrases out of the intense argument; at least, Charlie seemed to have achieved a normal volume.

"Don't you understand?! I want you out of this house now, out of the town! I won't have any problem getting a restraining order against you!"

"Charlie, I do understand. But I _cannot_ leave. She… I think she wants me here. She doesn't believe I'm real yet, it seems she thinks of me as a consequence from her subconscious, but soon she will realize and… I just want to be sure this time if I go away."

"_If_ you go away?! Are you telling me I have an eighteen year old daughter who is having hallucinations on top of looking like she's _dead_? You _broke_ her! You have absolutely no idea what she has been through during the past months!"

"Yes, I do. I have been here, I have watched her go through this hell every minute of mine. I am not one to break and leave."

"Oh but you're one to make her suffer and that's enough. Now go and let her heal in peace, _again_."

"Listen, before you got here, she told me she wanted me to stay. Now believe me, no one hates me as much as I do. But I think she needs me."

"You don't know what you've done, and now here you are, as if nothing had ever happened. Listen, I don't know why the hell you've really come back, but it is _not good_ for her, and that was a big understatement. You can't keep hurting her like that, _she_ can't go through this again, _I_ can't watch her go through this again. Do you know how close I was to put her in a clinic or something?"

That was it. It was time I did a little intervention of my own; I got to the living room and put myself between Charlie and Edward.

"All right listen Dad. There's no need for you to get mad…"

"But he…" he angrily cut me. Ha ha, I wasn't letting him finish.

"_He_ is not real! I am! And my stupidity is, too! But Edward is an illusion of mine, and even though I don't know how the hell it is that you can see him too, stop."

He stared at me for a long time, mouth open, his eyes flickering to Edward and then back to me.

"She really doesn't believe it?" he asked, his eyes looking behind me.

"She really doesn't," Edward sighed in response.

Charlie stayed silent, and he looked like he was contemplating his options. He kept grumbling to himself and finally said:

"All right, I give you a couple days to try to reestablish her… err… mental thingy. I don't want her still thinking of you when you're gone, I'm sorry but I don't think it's healthy for her. But if she's even worse when you leave then…I guess I'll get that restraining order." And he patted the gun on his belt. Oh god, it looked like he thought he was in an old movie or something.

That didn't have me worried though: first, Charlie could never deliberately shoot a man – and Edward wasn't a man per se- and you can't shoot someone who's not real. But I still wanted to make one thing clear:

"Dad, if I'm not even allowed to be crazy the way I want to, then what? I will keep being stupid and irrational for as long as it pleases me, and I'll deal with my craziness the way I want to." But I saw Edward had nodded to Charlie and now they were ignoring me. I threw my hands in the air, sighing and went back upstairs, Edward on my heels.

I burst into my room and threw myself on the bed. But I needed to do something, to move, so I got up and went to the window, opening it wide.

"Are you sneaking out?" Edward's voice mocked me from across the room. Ignoring his question, I turned around and saw him, sitting at ease on the bed.

"What was that about?" I asked almost angrily.

"That was about Charlie's reaction to my presence."

"But there should be none! None! Because your only presence here is in my thoughts!"

He walked to me and pressed me against his chest, his arms forming a protective cage around me.

"Shh… Calm down." He looked at me and put a strand of hair back behind my ear. "Breathe Bella." I did.

"It's just… I don't know… I don't understand. He shouldn't see you, he shouldn't hear you! This is not helping at all." My voice came out muffled, my face pressed against his chest.

"Helping what?" he asked, soothing.

"Helping me realize that this is a delusion! I hate that word now, because I want you to be real…" He gently put me on the bed, next to him.

"Bella, I don't know how to tell you this in a way that would make you _understand_ but… I _am _real."

"Right," I said while wiping away fresh tears.

"I am! What makes you think I'm not? How else do you explain how you got out of the water, how you got back home?" I looked at him, a thin smile spreading on my lips.

"See, that's the thing about being crazy, suddenly you don't care about a rational explanation. The thing is, you're real, I know that. But," I said as he started smiling widely, "You're not real here. You're real in this world, in Alaska or maybe somewhere 

along the Equator now. You're just not real here." My hands were now playing nervously with the quilt.

"But why don't you believe me, not my actions, but my words? Don't you have any faith in _me_?" He sounded hurt.

"Of course I do!" I nearly yelled back. Coming back to a lower volume, I continued, my eyes looking away. "I have faith in you, I always will. I just don't have faith in myself." I paused.

"Well _I_ will make you believe."

"Whatever you say," I answered, smiling playfully. Looking into his topaz eyes, I knew I wanted his words to be true.

**

* * *

**

A.N: I know, I know, right now you just want to smash Bella's head against a wall to get the stubborness out but... Bella will be Bella.


	17. Real?

**A.N: Hey! First of all, I can't even begin to apologize for how long it took me to post this. I have a good explanation that, even though you don't want to hear, I'm going to say: I spilled water all over my computer and I couldn't have it back for the whole summer and, believe me, it was harder for me than it was for you. So there you go, enjoy (please)!**

* * *

**XVII. Real ?**

**Bella's POV**

From the depths of my unconsciousness, a pair of muffled voices stood out from the crowd of whispers.

"I can't believe you went and talked to him!" the first voice hissed.

"What, I'm not even allowed to speak to Charlie now?" the other one asked, indignant.

"That's not what I meant. I can't believe you tried to… talk to him about _that_! Did you really think he'd just change his mind because of you?"

"But he did." The tone was calm, even, compared to the other one.

"No he didn't, you just made him angrier. Don't you see how much he loathes me right now?"

I opened my eyes. Edward and Alice were across the room, apparently having an argument.

"Oh Bella, you're awake," Alice said, dancing towards me.

"Am I?" I grumbled.

"I was just telling Edward about the recent conversation I had with Charlie yesterday."

I rubbed my eyes as a sharp light attacked them. I studied both of their expression, trying to understand the reason of the argument; Alice was smiling and apparently proud of herself, whereas Edward seemed annoyed –almost angry.

"This is way too early to be crazy, rational me." They both looked at me, unsurprised.

I stood in my bed, fully awake at this point. The remains of the previous day flooded back into my mind and I blinked a few times, trying to calm the furious train of my thoughts. I held my hands in the air and breathed.

"Okay so… okay." I dropped my hands and looked at the two angelical creatures in front of me. "What is going on here?"

"Well, as I said, I had a conversation with your father yesterday, and, even though everything went as smoothly as planned, my brother is still skeptical." As Alice explained, Edward let out a snort.

"A conversation about what?" I asked her. But Edward was faster.

"She thought she could change his mind about the delay he allowed me and other details," he answered, irony piercing in his acid words.

"And I did! I only made him realize that you had a right to be here, with Bella and that even though he could ground _you_," she said, her eyes now on mine, "he could never get a restraining order against Edward because he doesn't have any juridical material."

"And that's stupid why?" I asked Edward.

"It's stupid because it only makes him angrier at me now! I don't believe he agreed, just like that." He folded his arms across his chest.

"Believe what you want, but he did. I even convinced him to take Bella out tonight," she told me, victory ringing in her voice.

"Bella, don't you think it's absurd to give Charlie so little space to accept me under your roof? Don't you think my dear sister is only making things worse by rushing them?" Edward was looking at me expectantly. They both were.

"Well, I'm not taking sides. Because I love you both and I don't care as long as I get to be with you, but mostly because I can't even imagine how you could talk to Charlie and have him hearing and answering, you know, considering you're not…" But they both finished the sentence before I could, sighing.

"Real."

"Exactly," I answered with a wide smile. They looked at each other, and it seemed the argument was over.

"So," I added, remembering Alice's words, "we're going out tonight?"

* * *

The three of us were in the Volvo, Alice driving at a speed that had me worried, as usual; it was 21: OO and we were headed to Port Angeles. I was curled up in Edward's arms, on the back seat, watching as the needle raced towards the far right on the speedometer, my hands rigid on the fabric of the dark blue dress Alice had forced me into - why would she change old habits? But even with the anxiousness Alice's driving brought me, I was happy, here in Edward's arms where it felt right.

In spite of my latest records in craziness, I had been surprised to see the Volvo, but glad because of the memories of the time it reminded me of –a happier, simpler time. I was on the road to Port Angeles, with two people that I loved more than anything, and with a pleasant evening ahead of me. I had to admit it was a lot to be only created by my own subconscious; it was harder for me now to remember they weren't real. I constantly had to remind myself of the truth, and I hated it. I hated that the words I thought the more often now were 'delusions', 'unreal', 'subconscious' and 'hopelessly crazy". I hated the fact that when I came back to reality to remind myself they weren't really here with me, I realized that this dream could go up in smoke any second. All of this could disappear in the blink of an eye.

So, because of this, I decided that, tonight at least, I would stop dragging myself back to reality. Tonight, they were _real_. I was going to make an effort; an effort that was useless anyway, that would hurt without a doubt, but an effort that weirdly enough would be good for me –sane, even. Edward had saved me, Alice had talked to Charlie, they weren't going away anytime soon, as they had both promised, and I wasn't delusional. Convincing myself with foolish wishes, believing against all logic, it was all for the greater good in the end.

I felt the car stop quite smoothly, which surprised me considering the speed at which Alice had driven, and then they were both getting out. Edward opened the door for me and held my hand as I stepped onto the sidewalk to find myself in front of the Italian restaurant where he had taken me, such a long time ago. It was only a few months away, but it seemed to me it had been in another lifetime. Last time I had been here, I wasn't even aware of the fact that he was a vampire.

We walked into the crowded restaurant and I eyed the booth where we had sat. Like last time, the hostess came to great us, a spark lit in her eyes as she observed, subtly she probably thought, the two magnificent creatures accompanying me.

"A table for three," Alice cheerfully indicated as Edward showed the hostess the secluded space at the back of the restaurant, waving towards 'our' booth in particular. She led us there, a little surprised, and I didn't think about the fact that she shouldn't recognize him right now, because of the simple fact that there was no Edward _to_ recognize here. I didn't think about the fact that she should have asked _me_ before showing me to a table I would have sat at alone. No, tonight it was me and Edward, and Alice, eating together to make up for the long months of separation.

I slid on the booth and took the menu a waitress handed me –luckily, it was not the unsubtle girl from last time. This one had a warm smile and no eye that wandered to Edward in particular, even though it seemed to me she had seen the difference between the Cullens and me. But she disappeared with discretion to let us choose our meal.

I did not have my eyes on the menu though; my pupils were locked on Edward. How nauseatingly romantic we must have looked, lost in each other's gaze at a candlelit table in the back of a restaurant. Luckily, Alice was here to remind me we weren't alone.

"Are you feeling okay Bella? Because you _have_ almost drowned yesterday and, even though I know it's a little late now to expect you to go into shock… I don't know, but there still haven't been any consequences." Thankfully, she had abandoned the worried motherly look for a cheerful and Alice-y smile.

"Hello? No consequences? Yeah, because it's an off day when I don't get a special delivery from my subconscious with two incredibly real-looking angelical ghosts of my past in it." The words had flown out of my mouth and soon I was biting my lip, already regretting them. _They're real_, I 'reminded' myself.

Edward pressed my hand in his as Alice answered with a desperate sigh.

"Oh my god I don't know what it's going to take for you to take us seriously… You would have drowned yesterday if it wasn't for my brother, I don't see how you could have gone home alone if you were sleeping in the passenger seat or how you would have gotten here tonight if you were in the back seat worrying about my driving… I could keep enumerating all that's happened since we actually came back and you still wouldn't see it, would you?"

Alice's tone was soft, and I noticed a strange note of melancholy and… surrender in it, something I had never heard in her voice before. As she spoke, I concentrated on the way it rang in my ears, a little louder than the whispers around us. It _sounded_ real. I looked up to see her face, then to see Edward's, and my eyes kept hesitating between both of them. Both of their faces that were lit by the same light that mine was, that I knew I could touch and feel under my own skin as if it were here. As if it were a few months ago. They _looked_ real. I lowered my gaze to observe my fingertips tracing soft patterns on Edward's pale skin as my other hand was pressing Alice's. They _felt_ real.

The waitress interrupted my slow epiphany.

"Can I take your order?" she almost sang. I hadn't seen her coming back to our table; I had been too distracted.

Alice and Edward were both looking at me expectantly and I opened the menu, my eyes landing on a random page.

"Right… Sure, I'll take the mushroom ravioli," I told her, a smile on my lips as I ordered the meal I remembered.

"And for drinks?"

"A Coke," Edward answered for me with a smile on his own face.

"I'll be right back."

I looked at her as she left and then I could feel two pairs of eyes on my neck. I turned my head and Alice asked:

"Bella, were you going to say something before the waitress arrived?"

"I…" I remembered I had realized something. Well, not quite _realized_ because I still wasn't sure I believed it but… it made sense! So much sense I felt like I had been blind this whole time. Was it… could it be true?

So I answered her what I was sure of, what I knew wasn't a lie.

"All I know is that it's harder for me now. It's harder to remember –to tell myself- that you're not real. And I hate doing it, remembering this awful truth, I really do. So what I wanted, for tonight at least, was to forget all about rationalization. I told myself 'tonight, they're not a delusion'. But now I look at you, and I hear you, and you just _seem_ so real that it scares me. It scares me because…" I had tears in my eyes now; I was really getting overly emotional. I took a deep breath and continued "Because what if I do end up believing and then it turns out it was all a lie? A lie to myself of course, but a lie nonetheless? I couldn't bear it if you left me once again." I lowered my eyes but I felt Edward's arm tighten under my touch. "Because if I do believe and you disappear afterwards, that's what it would feel like. Exactly like last time."

I was done. I had said it. I was tired of being afraid, of being scared; maybe at least saying it would lighten the burden.

Edward took a deep breath and finally said:

"Bella, once again, I want to apologize for that. For "last time" and for everything that hurt you afterwards, I want to tell you how sorry and… disgusted with myself and… miserable I feel. Please, don't try to deny it," he said with a tiny smile as I was going to object. "And, despite that, I find myself pleased that you seem to be so masochistic: you know that if you tell me to stay, I _will_. Always. And so, I won't go away ever again, at least until you finally come to your senses and do the right thing."

"And what's that?" I asked with a bit of suspicion in my tone.

"Tell me to get as far away from you as possible and to never contact you again," he told me as if I was ever going to test that theory. I wasn't 'coming to my senses' any time soon anyway, so to me it was taboo.

"Right," I muttered.

"And Bella," Alice said then. "I also want to tell you that I won't go away either. I have missed you too much. In fact, I just had a brilliant idea!" she squeaked. Her eyes were glowing; in that moment, I knew there was potential danger.

"Oh dear God," Edward murmured.

"Excuse me a few moments; I'm calling Carlisle and Esmee right now. I'm going to get this family back together, here where we all belong." Edward opened his mouth, but it was too late: Alice was already on her way out. So he focused his worried eyes on me and asked me:

"Are you okay with this?"

"Actually, I would be if it wasn't all… I mean yes. I'm perfectly fine… happy… and okay." Again, I spoke the truth. Approximately. So I decided to pull myself closer to him and to admire. Silently. And that meant silencing my other me, too.

But of course I couldn't. As soon as I had thought this, she was dragging my mind back to the interrupted epiphany we had started to have earlier.

_That was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_I disagree._

_The intention, tonight, was to forget they were not real, not to try to convince ourselves they were!_

_I see little difference._

_Well then you're blind._

_You're stubborn._

_Oh _I_ am the stubborn one?_

_Yes, you are._

_Am not._

_Are so! They're real!_

For a handful of seconds, I was too happy to have silenced her to realize what I had just thought. And I was so astonished, so amazed before the truth that had finally emerged through the haze of my thoughts, that I could not think anymore. The truth was clear, but the rest was lost in a terrible chaos. I needed air, I needed space.

I somehow managed to free myself from Edward's arms, and wobbled away from our booth through the crowded space. The voices were too loud, the colors too blurry and the smells too vivid. As I heard my name called out from the chaos, I finally felt the fresh air penetrate my lungs.

Next thing I knew, I was throwing up on the concrete, my hands clutched to my sides. I breathed unsteadily and my knees weakened, but I stood still. Then, I felt the pressure of an ice cold hand on my elbow.

"Bella, are you ill? What's wrong? Do you want me to take you home? Please talk to me!" He was unsure, and worried. I heard in his voice that he knew something was very wrong.

I couldn't stand this anymore. Shaking his hand off of my shivering skin, I turned around and a mix of emotions emerged to the surface.

"Dammit! You're… You're real! No, don't try to touch me, don't you _dare_ try to touch me!" My voice was as unsteady as my breathing; the sounds came out from my mouth distorted.

"I'm sorry Bella, I won't!" he said as he took one step back, his hands hanging in mid air, his eyes witnesses to a misery greater than my confusion. An anger I didn't know I had been holding burst through my next words:

"Liar! I won't listen to one more word you say… I won't believe you anymore! You said all those things and-and then you left! I don't care about your reasons," I said as he opened his mouth, "I don't! I heard them all, that day, I remember too vividly! Do _you_ remember? Of course you do, why else would you come back? No, let me guess: you thought it would be fun to torture me some more, is that it? In fact, don't try to explain. I just need you to go away now…" My voice was fading; I was exhausted. Exhausted from all the anger, from all these emotions I couldn't manage. "I'm going to… walk… by there," I said as I motioned towards where, I didn't know. "I'll walk and don't you _dare_ follow me!"

I couldn't go yet though. I was drained, through my veins and through my soul. All the anger was gone now, and without the anger, I was left a coward. And as every coward, I had to flee.

* * *

It was completely dark now, and I shivered under the glacial wind. I had forgotten my coat at the restaurant, and I had left with it my mind.

Now that I had come to my senses, I was mortified. Why? Why had I let all this irrational anger control me, control my words? How could I have let him worry about me? He shouldn't waste one single second worrying about me, and I knew know he wouldn't ever again. He had left, as I had told him, and it was good. It was all for the best.

Except that I didn't want him to go. But he had and he should have. Though if it was really what I wanted, then why the hell was I so hurt?

As soon as I had thought this, I knew that that was a question I should have asked myself a long time ago. The truth was that I needed him. I needed him so damn much that I could see now how these past months had all been just one enormous lie. I hadn't been fine. I hadn't been even remotely okay. Except these last few days.

But it was too late now; he _was_ gone. Where was I going? Why was I walking away from him, why had I tried so tirelessly to forget, when every step I took should have been in his direction, when every thought I had should have been reminiscing the precious time he had offered me?

I suddenly felt the crinkling of sand under my feet. I knew now, I could finally admit to myself that wherever he went, I would follow. He had the power to leave me, to lose me, he always had. And even though I would have soon lost him as he vanished away, I should have _tried_ instead of lie to myself. But he had offered me so much, he had told me so many beautiful things, that it had been easy to believe then that I would never need to try to follow him.

I remembered the time when all I had to do was whisper his name, knowing he would be there when I opened my eyes again. I obeyed to the last tiny hope he had left me, and heard myself murmur.

"Edward."

"I'm here."

These two words, whispered from the shadow in the voice I would never stop shivering at, was like air in my lungs after a long drown. I knew how it sounded, but it was the absolute truth.

I let the cold arms embrace me, let the euphoria burn through my veins. I buried myself deep in his chest, like the complete idiot I was, and gripped tighter to him than I ever had.

"Shh, it's okay, it's all okay." It wasn't until I felt the moisture on my cheeks that I realized I had let silly tears escape.

We hugged for how long, I had no idea; and then I heard myself chuckle.

"What?" he asked softly as I leaned my head away to examine his face.

"Nothing. It's just… look at us. Two idiots, reuniting on the beach under the moonlight," I said as I wiped away more tears. "What a cliché. I-I don't want any more clichés, I don't want any more drama. Ok?"

"Well… Maybe one more cliché?" he asked in a whisper.

"What's that?" I mumbled.

And then next thing I knew, I was no longer touching the ground and he was spinning me around. I laughed, and, as the wind whipped my face, it erased the last of my tears.

**A.N: Hope it wasn't too much ;)**

**I'm going to do a last chapter, an epilogue, and (please don't hit me) I don't know when it will be posted. I have tons of homework and very little time, so again, sorry !!**


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